


Cycles

by Kelfin



Series: The Fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil [2]
Category: Fushigi Yuugi
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-04-07
Updated: 2007-04-07
Packaged: 2018-01-06 04:45:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1102568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kelfin/pseuds/Kelfin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I forced myself to keep going. That’s my job.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I enjoy my mornings. I lie in bed awake until it’s light enough to get up, and then I make my bed and practice t’ai chi ch’uan.  
  
When I lived at the brothel, there was only one other person who awoke so early. He was an elderly man who worked in the gardens. In the mornings, when I was still young enough for him to see me as a granddaughter, he taught me the solo forms.  
  
I do this every morning, gathering chi from the six directions, but paying special attention to the East.  
  
I love these movements. I am good at them. For the longest time, they were the only things in my life that I could control. There are one hundred and eight steps, but they are repeats of each other, so it’s not that complicated. They flow into each other, so that I haven’t had to think about the order for years. I just think about how they feel, visualizing the flow of the chi within my body. It’s the only time during the day that I’m honestly not thinking about… the things that I don’t want to think about.  
  
I love that their names are so beautiful. They describe exactly what they are. I like Hand Strums the Lute, Grasp Bird’s Tail, and Carry Tiger to the Mountain. And then Bend Bow Shoot Tiger! I also like Wave Hands like Clouds and Jade Lady Works Shuttles and Needle at Sea Bottom.  
  
But my favorites are White Crane Spreads Wings and Step Back Seven Stars.  
  
Step Back Seven Stars is meaningful to me because it reminds me of how thankful I am to be Soi instead of Kaen.  
  
White Crane Spreads Wings is meaningful because it makes me think that at least one creature in the world understands what has happened to me. I raise my arm gracefully, spreading my wings, and then, just like the crane… I fold them and never fly away.  
  
This particular morning went very well. As always, I had plenty of time to dress. I like to fix my hair and makeup by myself, and I’ve found that I have to get up early if I want to avoid my maid’s help. When He sent for me, I was already set for my day.  
  
Of course, He didn’t want sex or anything. He just wanted to talk about battle strategies.  
  
I feel so honored that he trusts me with His plans. And that He respects my judgment enough to ask my opinion. Tomo, Miboshi, and I are the only people that He consults. Well, except for His Majesty. But that’s only nominal.  
  
All this was before breakfast.  
  
After I ate, I went outside to one of the gardens, where I was supposed to meet Suboshi. I was teaching him to control his telekinetic powers. It’s my job, not because I’m particularly experienced with telekinesis, but because He and Tomo didn’t want to deal with “the brats”. I had been Amiboshi's teacher, too, but he had left some time ago.  
  
I feel responsible for those boys. I’ve known for a long time that I will never be able to marry and have sons and daughters like other women do, but I still want that. I like taking care of people. I sometimes imagine that I’m the mother of this brutal family, that Nakago is the father, and that the twins are my children. Goodness knows nobody else is looking out for them. I only wish they would be more careful of themselves. I’ve defended them to Nakago and Tomo so many times that if they get into any more trouble, it will be on my head.  
  
Suboshi was not in the garden, so I went to his room. He is addicted to sleeping in, so I figured that I would have to drag him from his bed and force him outside. I was surprised that he wasn’t there.  
  
After ten minutes, I decided he wasn’t worth looking for, and that I would enjoy my free morning. Since Suboshi is supposed to have lessons with Tomo after he’s finished with me, I decided I’d better tell Tomo that he was missing. I had to debate with myself. I despise Tomo, and he’s made it quite clear that I disgust him, but there’s no sense in causing any more dissonance than necessary. After a moment of reflection, I decided to send the message with one of the servants. I chose a girl. I would never willingly send a boy near Tomo.  
  
I decided to spend my free morning running errands. Of course, I know that anything I want—within reason—will be supplied by the palace staff. But there are things that I prefer to buy for myself. For example, I don’t trust anyone else with my cosmetics. Shopping is a chore—I hate the way people stare at me—but I get through it like I get through everything else: by sheer force of will.  
  
I went to my room to get money. There wasn’t very much of it.  
  
I’m not given a very big allowance. Nakago says that if I need anything, I can ask Him for it. But I really hate to do that. He’s so often in a bad mood, and I’m afraid to ask for something that might make Him upset. He’s extremely stressed. I hate to make it worse for Him.  
  
Really, the allowance I’m given isn’t enough, so I make do without a lot of things that would make my life easier. For example, I never entertain. It’s hard, because I feel as though I can’t have friends, because I can’t afford to return kindnesses. I was invited to tea with one of the harem ladies last week, but I said I was busy because I knew I wouldn’t be able to reciprocate. Well, it’s not likely that we would have become friends anyway.  
  
At first, I thought maybe I could work for more money, but Nakago said it was beneath me. I thought I could learn to do something decent and honorable—like weaving or something—but He needs me to be available for His needs and to baby-sit the twins, so I wouldn’t have time for any sort of lessons.  
  
So, when I need more money, I have to ask Him for it. But don’t misunderstand, it’s not because He’s controlling or anything—anyway, I don’t mind. It makes sense that He would be in charge of things like that. I should be more careful with my money. It would be wrong to spend the Emperor’s money on things like bon-bons and soaps.  
  
I took what little I had and went into the city. I’m not allowed to leave without three guards—Nakago is concerned for my safety, unnecessarily I think, but I don’t want to turn down such a sweet gesture.  
  
It was a long morning, and I had to resist several beautiful things I would have liked to have. We didn’t return until mid-afternoon. I wasn’t hungry at midday, but I forced myself to eat something that I bought from a vendor in the city.  
  
I was returning to my room when I first saw Seiryuu no miko. She was walking down a hallway, accompanied by three serving girls, and I only saw her for a moment. She didn’t look at me at all. But I knew exactly who she was—a seishi always knows her miko, in the same way she can sense another seishi nearby.  
  
Seiryuu no miko was very beautiful and very young. She radiated bitterness and defeat, but that is not unusual for us here in the Kutou palace.  
  
Nakago had informed Miboshi, Tomo, and me of our miko’s presence—in strictest confidence, of course—but none of us had been allowed to meet her yet. He said He didn’t think it was necessary, that it would likely overwhelm her, and that He would introduce us when it became important for her to know us. For now, our job was to serve her by following the orders that she and He had decided together to give.  
  
I had known—and I think Tomo and Miboshi knew, too—who was the real force behind the charade. I still don’t know what His ultimate purpose is, but just being allowed to help him reach it...  
  
I wish He felt enough confidence in me to trust me with his plans. It's an irrefutable fact that I’m completely loyal and dependable, but I suppose I have not been adequately communicating this to Him.  
  
I wondered when I saw our miko if she were at all as I had imagined her. I don’t mean the way she looked or where she came from, of course—I had never bothered envisioning the details. It’s just that I was a little lonely, since I was surrounded all the time by men and boys. I had hoped that we could be friends. It would have been nice to have someone again with whom I could gossip and in whom I could confide. For example, there are certain topics of interest to me that would disgust Tomo, titillate Suboshi, and give Miboshi blackmail fodder.  
  
After bathing, I returned to my room and dressed. Then I sat in front of my mirror and waited to see if He would send for me. I lead a very straightforward life.  
  
He _did_ send for me.  
  
I am very good at what I do. In this, I take some pride. Well, at least, I _think_ that I’m good at it. Other people have said so. Nakago has never complimented my technique or my attitude or my looks, so sometimes I wonder if I am pleasing him at all. He continues to send for me, though, so I must not be _dis_ pleasing him.  
  
I hate myself for being a whore. I hate myself for being worthless at everything except sex. I hate myself for what I’ve done and what I will continue to do.  
  
But at least I serve some purpose here. And... I'm ashamed to say... I love what I do.  
  
I don’t know you. You may or may not have any idea of what I mean, but… That _look_. It’s that _look_ on the face of the man that you love that makes it worth it. Acts that constitute sin and destroy your self-respect and your future can be totally excused by that momentary widening of the eyes and parting of the lips.  
  
Later, after I had bathed again, I went in to scold Suboshi for missing training. He was still not in his room, although it was much too late for him to be out. I checked with the servants, who said he had been out all day.  
  
I composed my scariest angry face and sat down on his bed to wait for him.  
  
He didn’t make it back until well after the sun had set, and he was completely inebriated. He didn’t even notice that I was in the room until he had shut the door and started undressing. I couldn’t believe it. Did he not understand what happens to me when Nakago finds out that he or his brother has done something reckless?  
  
“Suboshi!” I said furiously, rising from the bed. “What do you think you are doing? Where were you all day today? How dare you behave so irresponsibly?!”  
  
I went on to scold him for about ten minutes, backing him onto his bed and forcing him to sit while I yelled. I demanded to know where he had been and what he had been doing. I reminded him that his behavior reflected upon me, and that, if that didn’t make him think twice, he should think about his brother. At the mention of Amiboshi, I felt a twinge of guilt, but I hid it.  
  
Suboshi didn’t seem affected by my ranting, except to be a little cowed. He stared at me sort of dreamily. I think he was sober enough to understand me, but he was still extremely giddy. Once I let him start speaking, he talked incoherently for a long time about what he had been doing. If I understood correctly, he had spent the entire day terrorizing villagers, eating too much, drinking, smoking opium, and buying things on credit.  
  
I swear to Seiryuu, that child is crazy.  
  
It was his wild spending habits that made me angrier than anything else. How could he not understand the financial situation we were in? I had explained it to him multiple times. Anything he spends comes out of what Nakago allows for me. I try to be generous with what I give to Suboshi, but I have things that I need to buy for myself. Legitimate, grown-up things!  
  
Suboshi looked too wild to understand what I was saying. Interrupting me, he held out his right hand to me and put something in my palm. “I bought this for you,” he said sweetly, looking at me with saccharine eyes.  
  
It was a necklace. I knew immediately how much it had cost, because I had been looking at it earlier in one of the jewelry shops in the city. It was beautiful.  
  
I looked at him, speechless with wonder and indignation. I must have looked very amusing, because he started laughing at my face. All I could do was shake my head and laugh, too.  
  
I made him get into bed, and I sat with him, hoping he would fall asleep. He just kept talking and talking, though, so I finally just told him to shut up and left.  
  
I had a hard time falling asleep, too. I often lie awake, sometimes almost until dawn. I’m usually nervous about sleeping, because I have unpleasant dreams: elaborate, detailed images of the most dangerous or humiliating moments in my past. They come during the second half of the night, usually, and each time I awaken and fall back asleep, I dream the same thing again.  
  
I wouldn’t exactly call them nightmares. Nightmares are about things like being eaten by a wild tiger or falling through endless space, not about things that have already happened to you.  
  
I heard Suboshi quiet down long before I fell asleep.  
  
I woke up to a huge crash. It was dark in my room except for the faint starlight from the open window. Suboshi was standing in my doorway, ryuuseisui spinning crazily, surrounded by hundreds of wood splinters that used to be my door.  
  
I sat up with a shriek. “WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM?” I yelled at him, at the same moment as he yelled, “ARE YOU OKAY?”  
  
We looked at each other for a minute.  
  
I took a deep breath. “Suboshi, please explain to me why you have just broken down my door.”  
  
He looked confused. “I heard you screaming.”  
  
“I wasn’t screaming,” I said.  
  
“Yes, you were,” he insisted. “I could hear you. You were making all kinds of noises, too, like you were kicking things or hitting your arms on the wall.”  
  
“Why would I be thrashing around and screaming in my own bed?” I asked. This was ridiculous.  
  
“I don’t know.” He looked affronted. “How am I supposed to know why you do what you do? I just thought I would check and make sure you weren’t being raped or murdered.” He ended with a tiny tinge of sarcasm.  
  
“Go back to bed,” I said. “As you can see, I am fine. Do you know how much it will cost to repair that door? Next time, why don’t you just turn the handle?”  
  
He had the good sense to look abashed.  
  
Before I could voice my forgiveness, Tomo appeared behind him in the doorway, still in his make-up. He raised an eyebrow at me. “What’s going on in here?” he asked, his voice slick with insinuation. “Couldn’t wait ‘til morning, huh?” he asked Suboshi.  
  
I’m sure that Suboshi did not pick up on his meaning, but I did.  
  
“Well,” he said as he sauntered away, “next time you decide to continue your lessons after dark, please be quieter. I can hear your screams all the way down the hall, Soi-chan.”  
  
I blushed furiously.  
  
“Go back to bed!” I ordered Suboshi in a very serious tone. For once, the boy obeyed immediately.  
  
Now I was worried. Suboshi may be a little thoughtless, but he’s not delusional. And Tomo had clearly heard something, too. Obviously, somebody had been screaming. I got up, dressing hurriedly and lighting a candle. I moved my fingers quickly, gathering a ball of energy in my hand.  
  
I carefully checked the entire wing of the palace, noting the exits. I had to make sure everyone was all right. Miboshi was sleeping safely. Tomo was locked in his room, reading. Suboshi was in bed, although not asleep yet. I made him get up and lock his door. I walked outside to check the surrounding gardens, too, always keeping an eye on the door to make sure no one snuck in behind me.  
  
Once I was satisfied that there was no one dangerous around, I began investigating for signs of an intruder. Frustratingly, nothing was out of place or in any way unusual except for my shattered door.  
  
I stood guard until dawn, when I called for a servant to take over. Then I requisitioned one of the guest rooms, locked the door, and flung myself into bed, exhausted.  
  
I slept until mid-morning. I managed to get back into my room for some clothes and make up before the builders came to fix my door. Immediately after I had made myself presentable, I ordered that more guards be stationed around our wing. I endured some ill-spirited prodding about why Seiryuu seishi couldn’t take care of themselves. When I got tired of it, I snapped at the captain of the guard, who is technically under me in the palace hierarchy. Even seishi can’t be expected to stay awake all night.  
  
I had no desire to eat.  
  
That afternoon, I forced Suboshi out to the garden to work on combat maneuvers. We worked on defensive moves. He is terrible at defending himself; he always leaves himself wide open to attack. I pummeled him over and over again until I realized that he was paying even less attention than usual. Then I decided we should work on offensive moves.  
  
He had improved very much in the last few weeks, at least as far as concentrated attacks went. I almost wish his brother had been there to witness his progress. In fact, I suggested that Suboshi allow me to write Amiboshi a note on his arm, complimenting him on his little brother’s accomplishment.  
  
The little brother refused, though. Apparently, Amiboshi was very busy, implementing the last step of the Plan. No wonder Suboshi had been so distracted. He was obviously worried about his brother.  
  
I was a little jealous. Nobody had informed me that the Plan had almost come to fruition.  
  
I tried to put him through a few more exercises before finally giving up in exasperation. “What is the matter with you today?” I asked. “Are you concerned for your brother?”  
  
He sighed, letting his ryuuseisui fall to the ground. “Well, yeah,” he said. “And also I’ve been thinking a lot about Seiryuu no miko.”  
  
“Seiryuu no miko? Why on earth are you thinking about her all of a sudden?”  
  
“Nakago-sama introduced me to her this morning,” he said dreamily. “And, Soi, you have no idea… She’s absolutely the most beautiful, other-worldly being I have ever met. And she thinks I'm worthless.” His wistfulness melted into choked pouting.  
  
Now I was especially jealous. “Why did Nakago introduce _you_ to Seiryuu no miko?” I asked in an unkind tone.  
  
“It was to help explain the Plan,” he said wearily. “...Soi?”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“I have this awful feeling about my brother…”  
  
I told him to go inside and take a break. He looked at me in confusion and then started wandering across the lawn, looking mournful. Finally he just sat on the grass, holding his head in his hands.  
  
Rolling my eyes, I ran after him, and began nudging him with my foot, alternately coaxing and threatening him. Seizing him by the arm, I forced him back into the palace to wait for the news from Konan.  
  
I sat with him for a little while, telling him that I was sure nothing would go wrong with the Plan and that his brother would be fine.  
  
I knew of course that Amiboshi was in mortal danger and that he had no chance against six seishi and their miko. I had seen Tamahome when he was at the palace, and he alone could kill Amiboshi in a fair fight. I also figured he could be beaten by the fire-wielding one. In addition, Tomo and I had lent our powers to Nakago against the Suzaku sorcerer, and he very nearly overcame our combined shield.  
  
For goodness sake, Nakago only sent Amiboshi because he was expendable. Well, there is that whole twin-mind-meld thing, but that just made the choice easier.  
  
I knew that he would be killed, unless something shockingly unexpected happened. Suboshi was the only one who didn’t know it. I always made sure I spoke hopefully about the subject, and even that repulsive Tomo wouldn’t be cruel enough to insinuate such a thing to the boy’s little brother. Thank the gods I had been able to distract Miboshi from making observations on the matter.  
  
I only prayed that Amiboshi would be able to ruin the summoning of Suzaku before he was killed.  
  
I was so proud of Amiboshi. Of course, he was already pretty capable when he came to me, but we worked very hard together, and by the time he left the palace, I was very happy with his skills.  
  
When Amiboshi’s ki vanished, I closed my eyes.  
  
I left Suboshi alone after that. I went to find Miboshi and Tomo to inform them of what had happened, although I was sure they’d already know. Really, I just didn’t want them to bother Suboshi for a while.  
  
I wished I could have teleported to Konan and saved him, but Nakago wouldn’t have allowed it. He had already decided that it was best to hide our existence from the Suzaku seishi as long as possible. The Plan called for us to reveal ourselves one at a time, as necessary. Nakago felt that this would maximize their terror. Tomo and I both felt, as we discussed later, that it would be better for us to reduce our weaknesses by carrying out missions in groups. But, as I said earlier, Nakago is much more experienced in these matters. And, even if Nakago were wrong, both of us would do anything for Him.  
  
I felt a horrible empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hadn’t eaten at all that day, and I thought that I might feel better if I ate, but I wanted to feel empty. I was afraid of the empty feeling going away too soon, of not feeling bad, of not missing Amiboshi. I tried to imagine what Suboshi was feeling, but this exercise just made me feel guilty. I wish I would have warned him so that he could have had a few moments with his brother to say goodbye. Even I would have liked to have been able to say something nice to Amiboshi before he was gone forever.  
  
I can’t believe that I pretended for so long that there was nothing wrong.  
  
I wouldn’t have said anything like this to Nakago if He hadn’t asked me, in exasperation, why I seemed more listless than usual.  
  
I was very sorry that my answer irritated Him, but I could never have lied to Him, and He knows that.  
  
The next morning, Nakago summoned me. Tomo was already there when I arrived, and Miboshi hurried in soon afterward. Nakago shot him an irritated look. Miboshi was habitually late, and had been scolded for this more than once.  
  
Nakago informed us that His spies had confirmed that the Suzaku summoning had failed and that the boy had been thrown into a river to drown. In a somewhat annoyed voice, He expressed his irritation at Amiboshi’s death. He told us that He would be consulting His councilors to determine the best of several ways of summoning Seiryuu without all seven seishi.  
  
But I could tell that we were not really here to talk about the Amiboshi situation.  
  
Finally Nakago turned to me and said, without any expression at all, “Soi. Your expenditures this month have been absurd. Explain yourself.” Miboshi looked at me with interest. Tomo openly smirked.  
  
“Well,” I began, “most of the money went for the door that Suboshi broke.”  
  
“That hardly begins to account for it,” said Miboshi, who was in charge of our financial records.  
  
My heart sank. “How much… did we spend?”  
  
Miboshi showed me the amount. It truly _was_ ridiculous.  
  
I had not spent most of that money. I tried to explain that it was Suboshi who had run up those accounts, and that I never, never bought anything on credit.  
  
“Nonetheless,” said Nakago. “The little monster is your responsibility. You know that you are accountable for his expenses. It seems that you have failed to instill in him financial self-control.”  
  
I wanted to retort that nobody could control that child, not me, not his brother, not even his own dead parents, probably, but I bit my tongue and nodded in agreement.  
  
I was dismissed. Tomo and Miboshi stayed.  
  
Suboshi passed me later in the hall. He had just accompanied Seiryuu no miko to a meeting with Nakago, during which they determined to seek the Genbu Shinzaho. Apparently, we would soon be journeying north.  
  
I chatted with him absently for a few moments about nothing that I remember before I walked back to my room in shock and terror.  
  
Not only was I not informed of the decision to seek the Shinzaho, I was also not informed of our upcoming plans to travel. Not only was I being pointedly ignored, not only was I the very last person to be told these things, but the person sent to tell me was Suboshi, unarguably the lowest person in our little social order. I was lower than _Suboshi_? I must have really displeased Nakago.  
  
Fate has placed me in an altogether unsatisfactory position. I do not love Him because I choose to love, rather because it is my nature to adore Him who is better than I am. Just as drops of water clump together, or as grass bends over when the wind blows through it—this is how I love. He is my god, my philosophy, my daily planner. This will not end. 


	2. Chapter 2

Nakago didn’t care if the other boy died, but I did.   
  
Of course I never would have defied a direct order, but He didn’t say one thing or the other about it to me, so I was technically not disobedient. I was just trying to keep together the only family I had now, that was all.   
  
I knew that this was a chance for me to become independent, to release myself from the burden of responsibility, but I _wanted_ that responsibility. I wanted to prove to Him that I can be capable, trustworthy, loyal. And I didn’t want to lose the only thing in the world that cared about me even just a little.   
  
He told me Himself where He sent the boy. He had asked for me to come to Him. I suppose it was to let me know that I was no longer in disgrace. It was sweet of Him, in a way, to try to get rid of the thing that was most troubling me. But at the same time, I know it was wrong of Him to do such a thing to Suboshi. It’s just sometimes that He’s so kind to me that He forgets to be kind to other people.   
  
I knew Suboshi was in trouble because I could sense his injuries. It was stupid of him to attempt such an endeavor, especially without preparing with me beforehand, but nobody ever accused him of having too much foresight. I should never have allowed him to go in the state he was in. That is, if I had known, I wouldn’t have allowed it.   
  
I was in a good mood that day because He had favored me with His presence, so I decided to present myself to the Suzaku seishi with a bang. Instant travel is one of my favorite powers. There was lightning. It was wonderful. I wasn’t technically supposed to announce my existence just yet, but I was feeling fairly confident in myself and decided that it was worth a little change in the Plan to save Suboshi, although I knew I might be punished for it later.   
  
The one called Tamahome was uttering some sort of dire threat when I arrived. I grabbed Suboshi and leapt to the roof above the Suzaku.   
  
“Really, you tried this before you were ready, Suboshi,” I scolded, clutching his half-dead body. Fighting Tamahome, what was he thinking? He should have just stopped with the family. And there was another seishi there, too—a girl. Who knows what she could have done to him? There was blood all over; Suboshi was really a mess. I don’t think he was in any condition to understand what I was saying.   
  
Tamahome demanded to know my name. “You’re Seiryuu…?”   
  
“Seiryuu Seishi Soi!” I cried dramatically. “And that was just to say hi.” I smirked. “It looks like you’ve boosted your powers, Tamahome. Is that just because your family was killed?”   
  
As Tamahome lunged forward, the girl seishi grabbed him from behind and growled his name in warning. Their miko just stood there crying in fear. How pathetic.   
  
“Control your power until we meet again,” I laughed at them.   
  
“Don’t run away!” Tamahome started to yell angrily. But by the time he finished, we were gone.   
  
I have to admit, I handled that very well.   
  
Suboshi was pretty angry. I really wanted to slap him across the face to make him stop pouting, but considering that he was under an unreasonable amount of stress, I just closed my eyes and prayed for patience. He refused to speak, which was fine with me, because I was sure that if he started whining, I would totally lose it and flay him alive or something.   
  
I decided not to spend any time thinking about Tamahome's family. The damage to _my_ family was more immediate.   
  
I thought it wouldn’t be wise to involve anyone else in this dismal little charade, so I washed and dressed Suboshi's wounds myself and put him to bed. Healing is actually something that I’m good at.   
  
Or at least, I used to think so. Now I’m not sure… I used to be able to feel good whenever I could do something useful like that, but He has shown me how all of my skills are mediocre matters for which I am not necessary. I know that I’m particularly disposable, and I accept that. But I wish… I really wish… that I could be needed for something.   
  
I locked Suboshi’s door from the outside and told the servants to give him whatever he wanted. And also to keep an eye on him to make sure he didn’t do himself any permanent injury. It’s ridiculous when he gets like this, it really is. It’s a wonder he hasn’t tried to slit his own throat. Not that I blame him; it’s not like the world is a wonderful place to be or anything. But I can’t let him do stuff like that. If he does a half-ass job and makes himself a liability to our side, heads will roll. And my head will be first.   
  
Nakago didn’t ask to see me for quite a while after that. It was horrible, walking around in a daze, wondering if He were angry with me, worrying about Suboshi. I didn’t want to visit him because I was afraid of getting in even more trouble. But when one of the servants came and told me that he was refusing food, I thought I’d better.   
  
How dare he? That little brat has no idea what I go through for him. I save his life and then he throws it away again by refusing to eat?! I really wanted to smack him, hard.   
  
He was still refusing to speak. It was a little overdramatic, but it made me sad, so I couldn’t bring myself to yell at him. We sat together for a little while.   
  
“You need to eat,” I said.   
  
He just nodded, staring at the ceiling in utter apathy.   
  
“You know,” I added, appealing to a higher authority, “Nakago isn’t going to let you keep this up much longer.”   
  
He nodded again.   
  
There was no point in saying anything else, so we just stayed there in silence for a while, he staring up at the ceiling, I looking out the window at some sort of dead flower-bearing bush, both of us taking glum satisfaction in the ugliness of the world. When you’re unhappy, it hurts a little less if the rest of the world is unhappy, too.   
  
Suboshi squeezed my hand as I got up to leave, so I smiled at him, not trying to hide the pain that was in me.   
  
More than anything, I wanted to see Nakago, but the idea made me fearful all through my body.   
  
I kept wondering what it would feel like if I stabbed my chopsticks into my neck. I couldn’t imagine that it would hurt. All I could imagine was that magnificent “pop” as the skin gave way and they plunged in, and then the blood as it dribbled down my throat and over my breasts. Does blood steam hot if it’s cold out?   
  
I knew it _must_ hurt, but whenever I imagined it, it didn’t. Or maybe it’s just that it didn’t hurt compared to the pain in my face already. There was a deep, throbbing pain there—maybe two inches deep—and it made my face so heavy; it was all I can do not to just close my eyes and fall over, face forward, into a bed or a rock or the river.   
  
People would see and ask questions if I did anything to my neck, and I didn’t want to use energy in explaining. But I just couldn’t keep my hands still, and I couldn’t stand to feel the dull throbbing with no distraction for relief. So I scratched at my arms instead. That’s a good place because you can always explain scratches there, or just cover them with sleeves.   
  
I don’t know why I do it, exactly. It relieves tension, I guess. Anyway, it distracts me from all of the other pain I feel, and it reminds me that I am alive, I _am_ capable of feeling something besides the numb sadness that’s always there.   
  
Nobody else is like this, none of the other girls, not even Tomo. There’s something wrong with me. I should be stronger than this. I’m so weak, to just give in like this to the fear and the sadness that seep up out of my heart. Nobody else has this problem, so what’s the matter with me?   
  
I’m permanently damaged. Nobody will want me, ever. Who would take a girl who’s been used and beaten and grown to like it? Who would take a girl who scratches and burns her own body? A girl who can’t even take care of the people she’s supposed to be directly watching over? A completely useless, ugly, washed-out, used-up girl with no innocence and no charm? People don’t want me, they don’t love me. If people pay attention to me, it’s to drive me out. Even the people who acknowledge my existence wouldn’t protect me if I were in danger. Either they wouldn’t care, or they’d be too afraid of whomever it was that was trying to hurt me. Nakago loves me more than anyone else ever will; He loves me too much, more than I’m worth, and even that… isn’t very much at all.   
  
The kind of girl that people want to love is a girl like Suzaku no miko. She’s young and beautiful and instinctively believes in human decency. She makes you feel powerful because you have to take care of her. I wish I could make the world safe for people like her. I wish I could have made the world safe for people like Suboshi and Seiryuu no miko and the little girl that used to be me. I’ve been destroyed, but at least I could protect the innocence that’s still left in this world, maybe even make it possible for children to grow up believing in things like inner goodness and hope.   
  
I don’t believe in those things any more. They’re meaningless. Change isn’t possible. But maybe, if somebody else could believe… If things could work out so that there was just one person in the world who could live a life in innocence, never being forced, like I was, to stop trusting others, to stop believing that things will get better… If there were only one person like this, I could maybe keep going and not die of despair. But of course, it can’t be Suzaku no miko, because Nakago is working to destroy her, and I will always follow Him, even when He is wrong. That’s what love means.   
  
I’m not stupid enough to believe all that about Konan wanting to invade Kutou, you know; Nakago should save lies like that for people who actually believe in integrity, like maybe the twins. I’m not sure what we’re after, but it’s probably more power for Him. You can judge me; I’m already too far gone to pay attention to things like morality. Like I said, that’s what love means.   
  
He did ask for me, eventually, but it seemed that He had forgotten about the entire incident, and I had been afraid for nothing. I was relieved, but afraid to act relieved, because it might remind Him that He really ought to be angry with me.   
  
We were going to Hokkan, and He asked me to make sure that everyone was ready. I was excited about the responsibility—it meant that He trusted me.   
  
There was no problem with Miboshi. He’s creepily ascetic. Tomo, on the other hand, insisted on taking several hours to pack. What a materialist! He’s pickier about his things than any girlfriend I’ve ever had, but then, he’s probably uglier than any girl I’ve known. We had a shouting match about how much time he would have before we had to leave.   
  
“It wasn’t my decision!” I yelled. “I don’t pick the times and dates around here!”   
  
“Well, you still should have told me earlier!” he shouted back through the door. “If you were a little better organized, you would have known yesterday and you could have told me then!”   
  
I hate Tomo. He knows exactly how things work here, and yet he insists on believing that every problem is my fault.   
  
The fight made me feel sick. I had had a headache all day, and now I felt dizzy and wanted to throw up.   
  
Suboshi only has like eight items in the entire world, so he shouldn’t have been a problem, but when I got to his room, he was still in bed. Still! By which I mean, I don’t think he had gotten up out of bed for the last week or so, even though he was pretty much healed up.   
  
He’s so _lazy_. Being depressed is _not_ an excuse. Feeling guilty is not an excuse! I’m depressed and guilty, and I force myself out of bed every morning. I force myself through the long list of things to do. I force myself to get dressed and to pretend to be happy and to not lose patience with the idiots around me.   
  
I pushed him out of bed onto the floor and started grabbing his stuff and shoving it into a sack. He looked up at me in confusion. He opened his mouth to whine, but I decided to take preemptive action. I was holding a thick coat that I had picked out for him, and I threw it in his face.   
  
“We’re riding to Hokkan today,” I informed him, trying not to laugh at his surprised expression. “Get up.”   
  
He pouted a little, but just a very little, so I left the rest of his packing for him to do himself and went to my own room. I probably had more to pack than Tomo, especially since it actually _matters_ how _I_ look, but since I’m a naturally organized person it didn’t take me very long to get things ready.   
  
I didn’t eat anything that day. I often don’t eat. I like the way it feels to be hungry. It feels _appropriate_ , like what’s going on in my body matches what’s going on in my soul. Kind of like what I said before about being sad and wanting everything else in the world to be sad, too. And it’s good to punish my body. I can tell it makes me stronger. Not physically, but spiritually. I’m getting more and more self-controlled every day. Sometimes I bang my head on the wall or walk around in the snow without shoes or pick up hot metal in my bare hands. I do these things because I know they will hurt, and I want to be able to force myself to do painful things. Also, I do them because they make it hurt less in my stomach and lungs and heart.   
  
I was somewhat surprised to see that everyone was ready to go before noon. I had everyone at the gate, packed up, and mounted, and I had even managed to have enough time to go over the stores that the kitchen had sent with us. When Nakago arrived, I was happy to see that he looked pleased.   
  
“Soi,” He said, beckoning to me, “I have something for you to do before we go.”   
  
It was my very first (Nakago-sanctioned) mission. I was excited—I’d have a chance to support His work and go after that useless, syrupy Suzaku no miko at the same time—but I was also disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to travel with them. He explained that I’d catch up with them, and I felt a little better. I tried to hide my disappointment by smiling at Him, but He turned away.   
  
I felt a little silly, beaming away at nothing.   
  
It was fun planning my attack. These Suzaku warriors were really stupid occasionally, making themselves so vulnerable. I had to go over the information several times, because I just couldn’t believe they would be dumb enough to put six seishi and the miko in one ship all isolated in the middle of deep water with nobody experienced in charge. Did they not know that we have spies? What were they thinking? Maybe it was a trap.   
  
I guess they just underestimated our desire to destroy them. And they definitely underestimated the power of Seiryuu seishi Soi.   
  
Before he left, and at Nakago’s request, Tomo created an illusion for me. It was a tall set of cliffs that blocked any view of Hokkan from the sea. I went to a high peak and watched their ship from a long way away. They were the only people on the sea from horizon to horizon. I made a small mistake in the beginning. I forgot to mask my ki until I felt the presence of their sorcerer. Remembering how powerful he must be, I immediately withdrew and hoped he hadn’t noticed.   
  
Choosing the right amount of energy to use is an art. If I use too much, the final product is unrefined and hard to control, and I get exhausted much more quickly. If I use too little, not only will the effect be less potent, but my body will have to strain to hold its power back, resulting in, once again, exhaustion. I spent a moment meditating, then went through a couple of my favorite t’ai chi poses before I began.   
  
The storm was wonderful. I’ve always liked thunderstorms. Other people hate them; they’re always saying things like, “What horrible weather today!” and “Well, it’s disgusting outside, but I suppose we need the rain…” Children scream and hide when they see the lightning and hear the thunder.   
  
There’s nothing bad about a thunderstorm. It’s just made up of water and wind and fire and darkness and sound, and all of these are good things. Dangerous, yes. But what in the world is enjoyable that isn’t also dangerous?   
  
I love storms. I love the way the damp darkness cools my skin. It wakes me up out of my listless apathy, giving me just enough energy to get through my day. Rainy days are always the best for me, as far as getting things done.   
  
I laughed a little to myself, knowing that this storm, this powerful entity that was unreasonably feared by everyone else, was my ally.   
  
“That thunderstorm will keep attacking the ship until it sinks,” I said to the Suzaku seishi, knowing they couldn’t hear me. Saying it aloud made it seem more permanent, more decided. “You’ll be nothing but flotsam in the ocean before you reach Hokkan.”   
  
I couldn’t tell what exactly was happening on the ship, but I could sense confusion and, yes, fear. I think some of them fell off into the water, but I couldn’t be sure.   
  
They floundered about for a while. I decided to let the storm work on itself: if you let a storm go, it’ll feed on itself and get bigger without you having to add more energy. Storms take a lot to get started, but for long-term attacks, they’re a great way to conserve ki.   
  
Frustratingly, however, the ship didn’t crash, and none of the stupid seishi died. They even rescued the ones who fell in the water.   
  
Time for more direct intervention! I let myself smile grimly as a bolt of lightning struck the ship in the center and flames burst out on deck. Next, I concentrated on the wind. I was standing at the top of a tall cliff, and I wanted them to hit it.   
  
There was a loud crash as the boat hit the face of the rock. It should have been smashed up, but I could tell, now that it was close, that it was a very well made ship, probably one of Konan’s finest. I could hear them now, saying typically inane things to one another.   
  
“I wonder what happened…?” said the girl seishi with the purple hair.   
  
“Maybe… we all died…” answered the red-headed one with awe.   
  
“Shut the hell up with your nonsense!” snapped Tamahome.   
  
“Let’s go take a look,” suggested the weird-looking sorcerer in a calming tone.   
  
I leapt down onto the deck. It was an excellent landing. I was proud of myself. I must have looked very, very impressive.   
  
“Who…?” began Suzaku no miko, but I interrupted her.   
  
“I must commend you for making it this far!” My voice rang out. “But… this is as far as you go!” I sent a bolt of lightning directly down at the miko, who was stupidly standing in _front_ of the seishi who were supposed to be protecting her.   
  
“Miaka!” cried Tamahome, but she avoided it just fine on her own.   
  
“That was close!” she said, somewhat unnecessarily.   
  
I raised an eyebrow. Perhaps she wasn’t quite as useless as sources had reported. “You dodged that well, Suzaku no miko,” I said, using the tone that Nakago uses to acknowledge competency in His enemies before He mows them down.   
  
“That lightning…” said the miko, whose name was apparently Miaka. “Could that mean you’re…?”   
  
Did they need it spelled out for them?   
  
“One of Seiryuu’s shichiseishi, Soi!” I interrupted her. “Suzaku no miko, I will prevent you from reaching Hokkan at any cost!”   
  
“Soi?” asked Miaka, missing the point. “You’re a woman?” Apparently, Suzaku no miko was _blind_ as well as dim-witted.   
  
Losing patience, I snarled, “I’ll eliminate all of Suzaku’s seishi here and now!”   
  
I reached to hurl a bolt of lightning at her. As Tamahome yelled, “Miaka, watch out!”, I pinned all six of the seishi motionless with an energy shield of crackling lightning. Tamahome swore.   
  
“Take a good look!” I taunted. “You’ll get to watch as your precious miko gets fried!”   
  
I wonder sometimes if I’m any good at this sort of snide, mocking comment. I always feel self-conscious when I’m taunting people, like I’m lying about my identity, and I’m sure everybody can see through me. Taunting usually isn’t necessary to win, and it makes you look stupid if you lose, but if you don’t use it… Well, it wouldn’t do to ignore the importance of style.   
  
“Hakuujinraiho!” I commanded my ki. The miko squirmed to get away. “Wriggling little worm!” I roared at her, narrowing my eyes.   
  
She started talking nervously to herself under her breath and reached behind herself to grab… a sword. Even from several feet away, I could tell that it was well crafted and intricately carved. What a waste, I thought. Who gave a sword like that to a girl who can’t use it?   
  
“Just you watch,” said Miaka with determination. “I’ll fight by myself!”   
  
“Miaka, you idiot!” yelled Tamahome. “It’s not…”   
  
“Hakuujinraiho!” I commanded again, but she dodged.   
  
“You’ll get struck!” cried the sorcerer somewhat needlessly, breaking the apparent rule that only Tamahome gets to speak to the miko. I think the other seishi were too busy trying to squirm out of my attack to be able to speak coherently. They weren’t displaying much proficiency as far as the squirming went. No wonder Nakago sent me by myself. _Anybody_ could take on these losers. Two of them hadn’t even spoken, much less done anything useful.   
  
“Miaka!” screamed Tamahome again. Evidently he was very devoted.   
  
Suzaku no miko held up the sword above her head, and as I threw lightning at her one more time, the sword absorbed all the energy.   
  
“What?!” I couldn’t stop myself from saying out loud. There was no way I was going to lose this fight. Especially not to _these_ idiots. It would be humiliating to know that I lost to _incompetent children_.   
  
Ignoring Tamahome’s incessant shrieking of the miko’s name, I spoke under my breath in shock. “This can’t be! How can she still be standing after my attacks?!”   
  
“Hotohori’s sword…” said Miaka, gritting her teeth.   
  
“You impertinent little Suzaku no miko!” I cried, gathering up almost all the energy I had left. “This will be the final blow!”   
  
As I hurled it toward her, it caught on the sword and came right back at me, landing like a spear of piercing heat in my chest. “Wha…?” I gasped, barely able to speak for the pain in my lungs.   
  
“I can’t lose,” said Miaka. “No matter what!”   
  
I really, _really_ wanted to slap her.   
  
As the pain and exhaustion forced me to drop the lightning barrier, the six seishi leapt toward me.   
  
“Hold it!” snarled the redheaded one, glowering at me.   
  
“Miaka!” cried Tamahome with relief and joy.   
  
I quickly drew together all the energy I had left and vanished. I managed to transport myself close to where I thought Nakago and the others would be. Collapsing on the ground with utter fatigue, I examined my bruised and charred body. I could sense the others about a mile away, but I didn’t have enough energy to transport myself anywhere. I covered myself up in a pile of leaves, hoping no one would find me, and I slept on the ground.   
  
I woke up before dawn, my body scrunched up and sore. There were bruises all over that hadn’t been there the night before, and some of my skin was actually charred. The energy that hit me would definitely have killed a regular person. If Suzaku no miko hadn’t had that stupid sword…   
  
After practicing t’ai chi ch’uan, during which I discovered several new body parts that hurt—I started walking.   
  
It was freezing outside, although there wasn’t yet snow. I really should have thought ahead. My typical outfit was definitely not warm enough for Hokkan. At least walking kept me somewhat warm, but it was hard to make myself keep moving. I kept feeling strange in my stomach—like hungry, but not exactly—and every time I caught a glimpse of the mountains in the distance, I wanted to die. They were so beautiful, and so big, and I knew then that I will never, never be anything so interesting or important. I’m just an ugly, normal, boring girl. Every time I had a thought like this, my feet stopped moving and I just stood there, staring at the beauty that hurt so badly.   
  
But I was conscious of this silly phenomenon, and every time it happened, I forced myself to keep going. That’s what I do, right? Force myself to keep going.   
  
As if to signify what kind of day I would have, the first person I met was Tomo. I’ve come to regard Tomo as a kind of bad omen. If I see him first thing in the morning, it means that the rest of my day will be horrible. It’s obviously a significant sign from the gods. I mean, really. What are the odds that I’d see him first? (Well, other than twenty percent. It’s not really one out of five because Tomo usually sleeps in and then hangs out in his room brooding.)   
  
“You look like shit,” said Tomo pleasantly.   
  
“Good morning,” I said through gritted teeth.   
  
“And you’re in a good mood, too!” he cackled. “Glad to hear it.”   
  
I briefly closed my eyes and sighed, refusing to let myself fry him alive. “Where is Nakago?” I asked.   
  
“In his tent. I wouldn’t bother him, though. Because obviously you failed to defeat the Suzaku, and that’s going to put him in a really bad mood.” Tomo smiled as if this pleased him.   
  
“What do you mean, obviously I failed?” I demanded. “You have no idea what happened.”   
  
“Like I said,” he sniffed, “you look terrible and you’re crabby. Also you’re late.”   
  
I went directly to Nakago’s tent, of course. I didn’t see anybody else on the way, thank heavens. I was tempted to visit the tent that had been set up for me and maybe brush my hair or something, but I couldn’t decide what would make Him angrier, to show up looking like a mess or to delay my report. It’s hard to make decisions when I feel like this, because I’m afraid of what will happen if I make the wrong choice, and somehow it takes so much more energy to choose.   
  
I finally decided that it would be better to make my report immediately.   
  
He was alone when I arrived. I felt terrible, having to look at Him and disappoint Him and tell Him that I’d failed Him. I made the most subservient bow I could and apologized over and over and over.   
  
I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t want Him to think that the reason I failed was because I wasn’t loyal, or because I didn’t care about His Plan, or because I didn’t love Him enough. On the other hand, I didn’t want Him to think that I was making excuses. So I wasn’t sure if I should give reasons for why I failed.   
  
I didn’t dare ask for forgiveness, and He didn’t offer any. All I could do was apologize and apologize and apologize. He didn’t say anything, so what could I do but keep going?   
  
He looked very tired, and He wanted me to help raise his ki. How could I refuse Him? Even when I looked like this and was so injured, He wanted me. Well, I won’t flatter myself; He wanted my help. But it comes down to the same thing in the end.   
  
He’s the only person I like having sex with. It’s the only time I get to see Him show any emotion. Even Nakago can’t keep his expression completely blank in such a situation. As I said, I feel relatively confident about what I do. Even if I’m not _good_ , I’m good enough. I think.   
  
“You look hideous, Soi,” He said abruptly. I stopped nuzzling His neck and looked down at my naked body. He was right.   
  
I think sometimes He starts talking in the middle of sex because it allows Him to keep his cool. It’s really creepy, though, and it’s somewhat difficult to focus on my technique if I have to make conversation.   
  
“I’m sorry,” I apologized breathlessly, trying to concentrate on what I was doing. “The fight was pretty rough.”   
  
“I don’t mean just that,” He said, lying motionless beneath me. “You look kind of flabby. Have you been letting yourself get out of shape?”   
  
He mused, “Maybe _that’s_ why the Suzaku defeated you.”   
  
My eyes widened and I fought the panicky sensation in my throat. How could he think that? Was it true? Maybe it really was my fault. “I am sorry, Nakago,” I pleaded. “I didn’t think that the girl would actually have a holy sword.”   
  
“Never mind,” he said with self-conscious generosity. “I’ll give you another chance.”   
  
“But in this climate,” I babbled, a little hysterically, “a person from the West, such as myself, is at a disadvantage.” When He didn’t say anything, I added, “I’m sorry not to be able to serve you better…”   
  
I was cut off by Suboshi hurtling in like there was a typhoon behind him. “Nakago-sama, I’m coming in!” he yelled, already halfway through the door.   
  
I looked at him and blinked.   
  
He looked at me and blushed.   
  
Nakago looked bored.   
  
Suboshi bit back a shriek and quickly turned around. “Sorry, Sensei!” he stammered. “Um, um, Yui-sama said she wanted to speak with you!”   
  
“Tell her I’ll be there shortly,” said Nakago without embarrassment. “Soi isn’t feeling well.”   
  
I couldn’t believe it. I was being punished, after all. Nakago wasn’t even going to acknowledge what just happened? He wasn’t going to yell at Suboshi? He was just going to ignore me and carry on business as usual, like I was a piece of furniture or something? Suboshi is like my _child_. I mean, I’m sure he knew that Nakago and I sleep together, but we’ve never discussed it. He never should have had to see something like that. He must have been _traumatized_.   
  
Nakago must have really been disappointed that I failed Him, or He wouldn’t have felt the need to humiliate me like that. I mean, I know I deserved to be punished—I made mistakes—but I think maybe He wouldn’t have been so harsh if I had been able to make Him understand that my mistakes weren’t _on purpose_. I wish I were more articulate.   
  
“We’ll be using Ashitare instead,” Nakago continued. Another slap in the face. I’d never met Ashitare, but Nakago had always seemed to think him fairly inept. He wasn’t going to let me complete my assignment? He was going to give it to incompetent _Ashitare_? He thought Ashitare was more capable than I am? I wanted to cry.   
  
But I didn’t. I won’t, ever. That’s not my job. My job is to raise Nakago’s ki, and that’s what I do. I forced myself to continue, to see the whole awful situation through. And then I went back to my tent and curled up and wished I’d never have to see Suboshi again. 


	3. Chapter 3

The morning after that incident with Suboshi, I stayed in my tent. Nakago had decided to send him to Touran with Seiryuu no miko, so I decided to just wait until he was gone so I wouldn’t have to see him. It was cold and dark outside, which seemed to match my feelings. If only there had been a slight drizzle, things would have been perfect.   
  
I had taken care to bandage myself up properly, and after another night of sleep, my body was beginning to heal. While I was getting dressed, I looked myself over. I looked normal, for me. I mean, I’m not pretty—my shoulders are too big and masculine, and I have disproportionately huge thighs, which combine to make my head look teeny-tiny. And my hair doesn’t help. It’s stringy, and the color doesn’t flatter me at all. I like my small mouth and nose—at least, from the front—but the rest of my face is all cheek. My profile makes my face look really, really fat. I like that my breasts are big, but again, they just make my head look small. And I’m tall. If I were slender, I’d look like a man. But I’m chubby, so I just look like a gigantic monster-woman.   
  
He sent for me again, even though it had been less than a day. When we were finished, He wanted me to stay and discuss tactics for gaining the other Shinzaho. It’s really hard to do that, you know—I mean, to just get up from sex and talk about business. I’m so obviously attached to Him, it’s kind of humiliating.   
  
When I met Him, I believed that He was the smartest, holiest, most interesting person that I’d ever met. I’m not sure whether He told me, or whether He gave me to believe it—or whether I just made it up myself. I worshipped Him. He was my god.   
  
And when I learned, gradually, that He isn’t—that He isn’t morally superior to me and that He isn’t any smarter than I am and that He sure isn’t any kinder than I am—it was too late. By that time, I was already so entangled in Him that I didn’t want to get out. So, He is still my god.   
  
He did me a kindness once, and for that I will spend the rest of my life repaying Him. And every time He does something else kind for me, I am more in His debt. So you see, I will never escape, will I?   
  
If I had refused to love Him from the very beginning, maybe I would have had a chance. But then, maybe not. I prayed so hard that I would find Him—He was so noble and so strong and so assertive—I prayed so hard that I would finally get to be with Him… My prayers were answered and of course I learned that I hadn’t really understood what I was asking for.   
  
Too late! My fate is now inextricably woven with His. I can never love anyone else, because no one will ever measure up to His power and majesty. I can never stop loving Him, no matter what He does to me, because I am incapable. I have made my choice, and I cannot undo it. I am bound.   
  
And now I fear Him. He knows me so well. If I were ever to think of abandoning Him, of being even the tiniest bit disloyal, He could smite me to ashes with a word. The things He could say about me would ruin me.   
  
And I know Him very well, too. I know everything about Him—His habits, His motives. I am the only one who can see through Him, who can understand what angle He’s taking when He approaches a problem. I adore Him. I have Him memorized. His power is overwhelming.   
  
He is everywhere. He is everything. Anything I do, He will know. He knows everything. He sees everything. Anywhere I go, He will find me. I may fear Him, I may hate Him even, but I will never, never stop loving Him.   
  
I met Ashitare for the first time that afternoon.   
  
He arrived while we were brainstorming. (Well, Nakago was brainstorming. I was taking notes for Him.) I hadn’t been paying attention, or I would have noticed his ki drawing nearer, but as it was, I was surprised when he came in.   
  
I’m sorry to have to admit that the first thing I thought was, “Thank god I’m no longer the ugliest person in camp.”   
  
I was trying so hard not to stare at him—I really didn’t want to hurt his feelings—that I honestly can’t remember much of how he looked. He was older than I am, in his thirties, maybe, and a great deal more weathered, as if he had been outside for his whole life.   
  
I wondered where Nakago had met him, but then I remembered Nakago saying something about a freak show in the capital city. That certainly made sense, considering Ashitare’s strange looks. He looked half _dog_. Or maybe half wolf. I bet they treated him _horribly_. I felt sorry for him immediately.   
  
Ashitare seemed very curious about _me_. He kept sending sidelong glances my way. However, Nakago didn’t seem to think it necessary to introduce us. He simply turned to Ashitare and began giving him instructions on how to eliminate the Suzaku seishi while they were in Touran. Nakago thought it wisest to attack them when they were alone or in small groups and pick them off one by one.   
  
Ashitare didn’t say much. He mostly made growling noises. You know, once you got over your initial shock at his strangeness, he was kind of adorable. Like a big puppy. You know, the ones who are so ugly that they’re cute? I wanted to pet him and snuggle him and feed him table scraps.   
  
My mommy instinct was kicking in, I guess.   
  
He looked at me when he left. Nakago didn’t notice, which is a good thing because if He had, I probably would have had to reassure Him that I hadn’t been making eyes at Ashitare, and that I’ve given up prostitution for good, and that I had no intentions of sleeping with anybody else.   
  
Ashitare came back to camp with the most horrible burns I’ve ever seen.   
  
I happened to be standing outside my tent when he returned. He was a mess, just a real mess. The fur on his face was all matted with blood, and there was a big hole where one of his eyes should have been, and he was so _dirty_. As he walked past, I put a hand on his arm.   
  
“What happened to you?” I asked. “You’d better come with me and I’ll bandage it for you.” But he indicated that he’d better report to Nakago before he did anything else.   
  
I ran back to my tent for medical supplies. I was furious. What kind of people could do this to someone? Suzaku’s seishi! They didn’t even have the decency to kill somebody properly. They’d rather just mutilate him and scar up his face. That’s worse than torture! I’m not sure what they did, but it looked like they threw explosives _in his eyes_. Nobody treats Seiryuu’s seishi this way and gets away with it. Somebody was going to be feeling the wrath of Soi!   
  
When I got back to Nakago’s tent, I calmed myself and quietly asked to be allowed in.   
  
“Come in,” said Nakago.   
  
I stepped through the curtain to the most heartbreaking thing I’d seen in a long time. Ashitare was on his hands and knees on the ground, head bowed, while Nakago whipped him so hard that the skin was coming off his back. There was blood everywhere.   
  
“What are You doing?” I whispered stupidly.   
  
He looked up, His face registering surprise.   
  
“Ashitare failed to even injure a _single_ Suzaku warrior,” He said, as if this explained everything.   
  
“But…” I said. I didn’t want to anger Nakago, but Ashitare needed medical attention _immediately_.   
  
“For god’s sake, Soi, it’s an _animal_ ,” Nakago laughed, continuing to hit Ashitare. “Don’t be such a bleeding heart. It needs to be taught what happens when it's disloyal.”   
  
My heart dropped to my feet. Ashitare was _not_ an animal. And if he were, it would have been wrong to hold him responsible for what had happened. I couldn’t help but wonder, is this what’s going to happen to me the next time I fail?   
  
“Nakago…” I said, “I think they threw gunpowder or something in his face.”   
  
“The beast fears fire, eh?” Nakago mocked, still looking at Ashitare. “So you come whimpering back with your tail between your legs.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen Nakago appear to enjoy Himself so much. He brandished the whip, grinning sadistically. “Do you know what this is, Ashitare?”   
  
“Nakago, Ashitare’s suffered some burns,” I said as firmly as I dared. “That’s—”   
  
He ignored me and continued berating Ashitare. “Who rescued you from being a freak show on display in the city of Kutou? I’ll make you remember.”   
  
I stood behind Nakago and wrung my hands together helplessly, trying to catch Ashitare’s eye. He looked up once, and I tried to communicate silently how _sorry_ I was. How much I _wanted_ to be able to help. He held my eyes for a moment and then looked back down.   
  
Ashitare was trying to be silent, but he kept making these awful whimpering sounds. Nakago smiled as if He liked it, but He just whipped Ashitare harder. I thought I was going to cry or scream, but I didn’t dare. I wanted to leave so I wouldn’t have to watch, but I didn’t dare do that, either. I knew that this was a message to _me_ about what happens to people who don’t accomplish their tasks.   
  
We were interrupted when Suboshi, followed by Seiryuu no miko, pushed open the curtain and walked in. He stopped abruptly, staring at Ashitare in horror, then looking at me for confirmation.   
  
Seiryuu no miko pretended that Ashitare wasn’t there, although she did cower hesitantly behind Suboshi. I really, really hate her sometimes. If somebody would just take her in hand and give her a good hiding, she might get over that snotty little attitude of hers. She’s just a _brat_ , plain and simple.   
  
“Um… we’re back,” said Suboshi.   
  
“Suboshi.” Nakago acknowledged him with a very impressive tone of voice. “Did you find the Shinzaho?”   
  
Suboshi shuffled his feet and looked at the floor. Great, I thought, nobody’s done anything competent today, and I’m going to have to watch Suboshi get skinned alive, too.   
  
“Well, about that…” he began awkwardly.   
  
Seiryuu no miko interrupted him. “Yes, it seems we have.”   
  
Suboshi whipped around toward her in astonishment. It would have been funny if I hadn’t been just looking at the flecks of blood on my shoes.   
  
“Tamahome told me that they’d found the Shinzaho’s location,” said Seiryuu no miko with self-satisfaction.   
  
I hated her so much for being able to please Him.   
  
Nakago seemed to lose interest in Ashitare immediately. He gestured for Seiryuu no miko to follow Him outside somewhere to discuss her information. As they left, I shot Suboshi a _look_. He hurried over, and we helped Ashitare to his feet.   
  
There was a little tent set up for Ashitare (“So that’s who it’s for,” said Suboshi), and we helped him inside. It was empty inside, but at least it was shelter. I sent Suboshi for water and blankets to make a bed, and I got to work washing and binding and applying poultices. It was a chore to get Ashitare’s clothes off, but it had to be done. The cuts on his back were bad, but it was the burns that were the really terrible thing. The eye was permanently lost.   
  
We didn’t speak. There was nothing we could say to each other. When I got up to go, he reached out a big, rough paw to touch my hand. His eyes were so sad, and he looked a little bit… _besotted_. I smiled kindly. So many people have fallen in love with me, it doesn’t make me angry or embarrassed any more. Now I just feel sorry for them. I mean, I know what it’s like to fall in love with somebody who doesn’t love you back. I know what it’s like to fall in love with somebody just because he or she did one kind thing for you.   
  
I remembered being angry at the Suzaku seishi for hurting him. Now, I wasn’t angry any more, just sort of numb. How could I justify hating them for what they did to him, when what we did to him was even worse? And we did the same thing to Amiboshi; even if it was the Suzaku who killed him, it was us who sent him to his death. And Suboshi was probably going to be emotionally screwed-up for the rest of his life, thanks to us. Not to mention Seiryuu no miko. Even if she _is_ really bitchy, we had no right to lie to her like we did. No wonder she’s so nasty to people—she thinks she’s been gang-raped.   
  
Really, what is the point in all of this? What are we trying to do? All we’re doing is just hurting each other. I can’t keep this together, I really can’t. I want us to get along and be a functional team—I want us to be a family—but all of this backstabbing and secret plotting is killing us.   
  
No, I couldn’t be angry at the Suzaku seishi. It had become obvious that _they_ were not the enemy.   
  
Dinner was horrible. Nakago and Seiryuu no miko were still in their conference, thank god, so I didn’t have to face either of them. I took food to Ashitare, who was still convalescing, and to Miboshi, who was too “busy” (read: antisocial) to leave his tent. Suboshi didn’t show up, so that left me with… Tomo.   
  
It would have been beneath my dignity to leave simply because I didn’t want to see him, but I really, really wanted to do it anyway.   
  
We didn’t speak, which was nice. Tomo is an okay person when he’s not pretending to be an evil diva. I think he knew what had happened earlier. Well, really, how could he not? It wasn’t like we were being quiet about it. Tomo even offered to let Suboshi know that the food was ready. Actually what he said was something like “I’m going to kick his puny little ass if he doesn’t get the fuck over here”, but I knew what he meant.   
  
I went to check on Suboshi later. He was in his tent, staring at the ceiling. He’s crazy that way, with the _running around, shrieking like a dying animal_ alternating with the _staring at the ceiling_. He wasn’t speaking, either. He didn’t even look at me.   
  
I wasn’t offended, though. I knew it wasn’t me that had made him upset. He has the same problems we all do, it’s just that he’s not very good at dealing with them.   
  
“You missed supper,” I said.   
  
He grunted, acknowledging that I had spoken without actually having to answer.   
  
I sighed. “Look,” I said, “I’m sorry about what happened earlier.”   
  
He didn’t say anything.   
  
“Okay,” I said. “So, I don’t really need to apologize because it wasn’t my fault. But I mean, I wanted you to know that this isn’t the way I wished things would have happened. I mean, with the whole you-walking-in-on-me-and-Nakago thing, and with Ashitare today, and… Anyway, I know it’s not fair that you have to be here for this stuff. It _isn’t_ fair. And I’m gonna do my best to protect you from seeing stuff like this ever again.”   
  
I looked at him to see if he was listening. He just sighed.   
  
“Okay, what’s _really_ bothering you?” I asked.   
  
He rolled onto one side to stare at the wall. “Yui-sama,” he mumbled.   
  
Oh, it was _that_.   
  
I didn’t know what to say to him. “Don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll eventually like you”? “If you love hard enough, she’ll change her mind”? “Give it up, she’s a selfish bitch who will never care about anyone but herself”?   
  
Take your own advice, Soi. The truth hurts.   
  
There was nothing I could say that couldn’t be interpreted as me whining about my own problems. It wouldn’t be right to bother him with that stuff. I’m supposed to be strong, and to be there for him, and he shouldn’t have to deal with me and my issues. So I didn’t say anything. I just awkwardly tousled his hair and rubbed his back for a while. I left when I thought he was sleeping, but I couldn’t really tell. Asleep and awake are the same for him when he’s like this.   
  
The next day, Ashitare died.   
  
He had left early in the morning, while the rest of us were sleeping. I was a little peeved that he hadn’t woken me up first. I would have changed his bandages.   
  
There was pain in his ki all day, but it got worse toward the afternoon. I could tell he was injured, but I wasn’t really paying attention—I assumed it was just the pain from what he had undergone yesterday.   
  
When I felt him die, I was sitting in my tent, mending clothes. It was the most horrible pain I’ve ever felt. It was in my left thigh, in my seishi symbol. I would have screamed, but I couldn’t breathe.   
  
It was over in a moment, and his ki was gone. The significance of this hit me like a slap in the face. Firstly, Ashitare was definitely dead. Secondly, Nakago was bound to be in a really bad mood. Thirdly, I hadn’t felt anything like this when Amiboshi’s ki went away. No sense saying anything to anyone (especially Suboshi) about it, but I would not be surprised if Amiboshi turned out to be not dead.   
  
I wanted to cry. Everything was getting so _out of control_. I went to Nakago immediately. Seiryuu no miko was already there, looking very upset and confused.   
  
I had barely exchanged a hurried greeting with her and Nakago when Suboshi burst in without knocking as usual. “Ashitare’s ki is gone! He’s _dead_! We have to do something!” he yelled.   
  
Nakago looked at him. “We don’t _have_ to do anything,” he said indifferently.   
  
“What do you mean we don’t have to do anything?!” Suboshi cried, waving his arms about in a panic.   
  
“Suboshi, keep your voice down in Yui-sama’s presence,” said Nakago. I tried to send the kid a warning glance, but he was too frantic to lock eyes with me.   
  
“It’s gone!” Suboshi was still yelling. “Ashitare’s life force is gone! Can’t you feel it?!”   
  
“The Suzaku shichiseishi probably killed him,” Nakago said matter-of-factly.   
  
“I don’t see how you can just say that so calmly!” Suboshi was really upset. I knew he was thinking of poor Amiboshi, left to die with nobody to come to his rescue. Wisely, however—and I have to give him credit for this—he ignored the emotional approach with Nakago and appealed to practicality. “You’re just going to let them take the Shinzaho?!”   
  
“Don’t worry,” Nakago chuckled. “It’s part of my Plan.”   
  
Of _course_ it was.   
  
Seiryuu no miko sent Nakago a questioning look. She acted as though she were actually _surprised_ that Nakago’s Plan included some of us dying.   
  
Nakago explained that Ashitare’s death did not matter, since he was pretty much a useless freak, but that he did kill one of the Suzaku seishi before he died. Either Nakago had super-fast spies, or He was _really_ sensitive to Suzaku ki. I told you, He actually does _know_ everything!   
  
Nakago said that He had some respect for Ashitare, since at least _he_ actually managed to kill a Suzaku warrior. Suboshi and I looked at each other in terror. That insinuation was a meaningful warning to _us_.   
  
“But why,” said Seiryuu no miko, as if her opinion actually mattered, “are we not doing something about this? Surely we’re not going to just allow this to happen? Why don’t we just go get the Shinzaho and leave?”   
  
In His sweetest voice, with just a tiny touch of a patronizing air, Nakago explained to her that the people of Hokkan are enemies with Kutou and that there are disembodied Genbu seishi guarding the Shinzaho who would definitely not let any Seiryuu seishi near the holy site, much less get their hands on the relic itself. Our plan was to let Suzaku no miko get the Shinzaho and then take it from her.   
  
Suboshi and I looked at each other. I could tell _he_ hadn’t known about the dead warriors, either.   
  
“Genbu seishi without bodies?” asked Seiryuu no miko, nervously.   
  
“Yes,” replied Nakago dramatically. “Even I could never beat opponents like them. Why do you think Kutou doesn’t dare to attack this country?”   
  
“Then, from the start, you wanted Miaka and the others to…”   
  
“Yes,” He answered. “We need only wait for them to get it.”   
  
“But who was it? The one that fought with Ashitare?” Seiryuu no miko asked with trembling voice. Suboshi gazed at her adoringly. No doubt he thought she was concerned about Ashitare. I’m pretty sure she was just hoping that it wasn’t Tamahome who had been killed.   
  
“That wasn’t part of the Plan,” admitted Nakago, not answering the question. “I never expected Ashitare to kill one of the Suzaku shichiseishi.”   
  
Wait… He hadn’t expected _what_?! So He sent Ashitare on an assignment believing that he would _fail_?   
  
“You meant to use Ashitare as cannon fodder?” I gasped unbelievingly.   
  
Luckily, Nakago was too pleased to get angry with me. “A proper use for an incompetent fool, wasn’t it?” He shrugged.   
  
I had to leave. It hurts, it really hurts, when the Person you love and idolize most in all the world reveals Himself as morally lacking in some way. But this... this was more than morally _lacking_. More like _lacking morality_. Why, gods, why do I have to be doomed to loving a man who not only doesn't love me back, but also turns out to be _pure evil_?   
  
I love Him so much. That's why I get upset when He's not perfect.   
  
Suboshi and I walked Seiryuu no miko to her tent.   
  
“Go tell Tomo and Miboshi what happened,” I said.   
  
Suboshi made a face. “Why?” he asked angrily. “It’s not like they didn’t feel it, too.”   
  
“Yeah, but they should know that he killed one of the Suzaku warriors,” I said. “Please, Suboshi? Please? I’ll owe you a big favor.” I really didn’t want to face those two at the moment.   
  
“Fine,” he sighed.   
  
Late that afternoon, as the sun was starting to think about setting, I stood with Nakago outside His tent. Tomo and Miboshi were still being asocial—Tomo had told me, somewhat sarcastically, that he needed to “watch his complexion”—and Suboshi was in Seiryuu no miko’s tent, looking smitten and sucking up.   
  
Men! You can see it all over their faces when they’re infatuated. _I_ don’t look like that when I’m around Nakago, do I? I don’t think I do. Not anymore, anyway. You can only keep up blind adoration for so long. Now, when I’m with Him, my face looks… sad.   
  
I don’t remember what we were talking about. Whatever it was, it didn’t really matter. All thoughts of the conversation left my mind when I turned around to see an enormous wolf standing right in front of me. There was some sort of necklace in its mouth.   
  
The wolf looked up at me and wagged its tail before dropping the necklace into Nakago’s hand. I was a little nervous, but he was obviously tame, so I patted him.   
  
“Soi, Ashitare has returned,” said Nakago.   
  
“This… this wolf?” I asked. I was confused. So, if Ashitare wasn’t dead, then why was his ki gone? And why did he not look human any more?   
  
“Oh, I didn’t tell you, did I?” said Nakago absently. Turning to me, he explained, “Wolf’s blood ran through Ashitare’s body. When his human form died, his true wolf’s side emerged.”   
  
Turning to Ashitare, Nakago said, “So, this is the Shinzaho. You’ve done well.” Ashitare wagged his tail, his tonguing lolling out of his mouth. He looked so pleased with himself! He must have grabbed the Shinzaho from Suzaku no miko after she got it from the Genbu seishi.   
  
“I’ve no more use for you,” continued Nakago, and He killed him.   
  
“Nakago!” I gasped.   
  
“I have no more use for him now that he’s reverted into an ordinary mongrel,” he said unconcernedly. “As long as we have the Shinzaho.”   
  
He took the necklace and went back inside his tent.   
  
I just stood there, looking at the body. And I remembered the first person I ever saw Nakago kill. It was the first person I ever saw killed at all, actually. I hadn't had that memory in a long time. I had been trying _not_ to have that memory...   
  
I couldn’t move. My heart was beating so fast, skipping beats… I was dizzy. I was lightheaded. I couldn’t breathe. It felt like there was a huge weight on my chest. I was shaking and sweating, even though I was really cold. Well, I was cold on the outside. My skin was cold. On the inside, I was so, so hot… I wanted to take off all of my clothes, but I knew I’d freeze to death on my skin and anyway my hands were shaking so that I couldn’t have undone the ties and clasps.   
  
Oh, god, I thought, I’m really losing it this time. I’m going crazy. I’m losing control of myself. I know I’m going to die. Damn it, this is _why_ I try not to have memories like this.   
  
I looked up—the sky was white. I looked down—the ground was white. Which way was up? Where _was_ I?   
  
I fell onto Ashitare’s soft, warm body, and I hugged it and sobbed, but no tears came out of my eyes.   
  
I don’t know how long it was before Tomo came out and found me.   
  
“What are you doing?” he sneered. I looked up at him, still clutching Ashitare’s fur in both hands. He looked a little surprised, but he hid it. I think I only noticed because I know him well. I might know him better than anybody does. I think that’s why he doesn’t like me: because I’m the only one who really understands what he did with his body and what that means.   
  
“Are you _crying_ in the snow? Over a dead _dog_?” he raised a delicately manicured eyebrow. “I didn’t know you fancied yourself a drama queen, Soi. Ew, did you touch it? You should wash your hands. It might have mites or something. Disgusting. That’s just pathetic. Get up.”   
  
He hefted me to my feet and shoved me toward my tent. “You look like shit, by the way,” he added.   
  
“That’s Ashitare,” I choked on the words. “He doesn’t have mites.”   
  
Tomo rolled his eyes at me. “Get out of here. Shoo! I’ll take care of... _the carcass_.” He shuddered dramatically, as though all the mites in the world were crawling over his shoulders.   
  
I obediently went into my tent and washed my hands in a half-frozen bucket of water.   
  
I don’t know what Tomo did with Ashitare’s body, but the next time I came out, it was gone. 


	4. Chapter 4

I didn’t hear my tent flap open, so when I sensed someone behind me, I yelled, tore around, and _fried_ him. I tend to do that a lot... People shouldn’t sneak up on me.   
  
Miboshi looked very annoyed.   
  
Luckily, he had had the sense to diffuse my attack. He narrowed his eyes. “We’re breaking camp,” he said shortly. “But Nakago wants you to stay here with him. He’s waiting to meet with someone.”   
  
I sighed. Nakago had been filling us in less and less often. I had no idea what the Plan was now, except that it somehow involved getting the other Shinzaho. “Are we going to Sairou?” I asked.   
  
Miboshi shrugged indifferently.   
  
“Well, why am I supposed to stay behind? Did He tell you why?”   
  
He shrugged again and shook his head, playing with his prayer wheel absentmindedly. “I’m guessing it won’t be for very long. You’re supposed to pack up all of your things and send them ahead with us.”   
  
One thing I’ve learned is that it’s best not to think about bad things. When you’re busy, they don’t come unbidden to your mind. So I stayed busy. I kept an eye out for a disturbance in the snow, or some other clue as to what Tomo had done with Ashitare’s body, but I didn’t see anything like that.   
  
It takes a while, you know, to pack up a campsite where seven people have been living, especially since I didn’t have anyone competent to help me. Nakago was busy with something in His tent, so I was in charge. But Miboshi and Tomo never listen to me, and I don’t really like dealing with Seiryuu no miko, so that left me and Suboshi to do all of the work.   
  
You can pitch any of these tents by yourself, but it’s difficult. Taking them down is easier, though. The only thing that’s hard about it is trying to get them folded up tightly, so they’ll take up the smallest possible space. Suboshi got frustrated with his tent and did a really messy job, so I had to do it over again. I snapped at him for it, but apologized quickly. I needed him on my side if I didn’t want total chaos. It bothers me how irritable I am sometimes.   
  
“Look,” I said, trying to think of something he wouldn’t be likely to shirk. “Why don’t you go see if Miko-sama needs any help with her things?”   
  
He thought that was a great idea, and scampered off immediately.   
  
So, I had to do all of the tents myself. But at least I didn’t have to deal with him being underfoot. And it was easier to be alone, because I didn’t have to spend so much energy trying not to be crabby. I spent my time alone thinking about how to organize all of our things so that they would fit.   
  
We had the carriage that Seiryuu no miko had ridden in, but it had to be pulled by one of the horses, so it didn’t save us that much room. There were only five horses total, and since Nakago and I were keeping two of them with us, we had to load up two of them so that they couldn’t be ridden. Miboshi realized this first and claimed the place beside Yui-sama in the carriage. Tomo threw a fit. Suboshi pouted.   
  
The horses were also displeased. By the time I had finished, each was carrying much more than its fair share. We had used up a lot of the food, but on the other hand, it seemed like Tomo’s items had multiplied. And Nakago brought out a lot of the things from His tent. He said He wanted them to take everything He didn’t need immediately, since it was possible that He and I would be leaving His tent and its contents here when we left.   
  
Finally, His tent was the only one standing. It actually didn’t take us as long as I’d thought it would to break camp. This was probably because Nakago had made it quite clear to Tomo and Miboshi that they needed to get out of camp As Soon As Possible. And Seiryuu no miko had no reason to want to prolong her time with Suboshi.   
  
It was nice when everyone else left. I hardly ever get to be alone with Nakago—I mean, we’re often alone together, but not when there’s no danger of interruption.   
  
I didn’t expect that He would ask me to cook.   
  
I’m not that good at cooking—He’s always made that perfectly clear—but, it seems, He thinks I’m better at it than He is. That’s a compliment! I was so happy to be useful to Him. He had a detailed menu that He dictated to me, and He had all the supplies ready.   
  
It was relaxing, actually, to work. I really like cooking, and I was being extra careful to make everything look as beautiful as possible. I couldn’t help but wonder about the identity of the “important visitor”, but I didn’t dare say anything about it. Nakago had deliberately Not Said who the visitor was, and it hung in the air, begging me to ask. I could tell He wanted me to inquire, but I think it was because He wanted an excuse to snap at somebody. So I didn’t say anything.   
  
I was just finishing up and setting the table in Nakago’s tent when I felt her ki approaching. Nakago noticed me straighten in surprise, and He smirked.   
  
“I can’t believe it,” I said. “She’s... alone?”   
  
“It’s a great Plan. A stroke of genius,” He said.   
  
I followed His lead and reaffirmed this. He’s so cute sometimes; He needs compliments, but He won’t ask for them. He just sets up the conversation to give other people the chance to say nice things to Him. And then He gets really cranky if they don’t.   
  
“Finish what you’re doing and get out of here, Soi,” He instructed. I hurried to clean up, loading onto my horse all of the extra supplies and utensils I had used.   
  
I took the horses and went a little way into the woods. I stayed there for a long time, waiting to be summoned. I hate being alone because it gives me a chance to think.   
  
I was desperate to keep my mind occupied, so I played games with myself. I gathered up a bunch of sticks and made them into a village of little houses. Then I took pinecones and gave them all names. I put them in families and made up histories for them. Mostly, they were all cheating on each other and having rapacious, incestuous relationships. There were several duels, and a lot of brutal murders. One little pinecone killed herself by jumping off her roof onto a big pile of stones.   
  
It was kind of fun.   
  
I hadn’t realized how much time was passing, but it was dark, and probably very late, when I felt Tamahome draw near. I figured this was a good reason for me to get back to camp. I was pretty far away, though, so by the time I got back, he and Nakago were standing in the middle of a clearing, facing each other. I could tell from their ki that they were both enraged before I could see their angry stances and infuriated expressions.   
  
“What... did you do... to Miaka?” I heard Tamahome growl, his jaw clenched. Then, as I rode as fast as I could to get there in time, he released the most amazing burst of power that I had seen in... ever, maybe.   
  
“Why you...!” Nakago seethed.   
  
My lord looked _terrible_. His shoulder... When had Tamahome become _that_ powerful? This was very, very bad. Before, when they were just a bunch of mediocre, inexperienced children, it hadn’t mattered so much that we relied so heavily on Nakago. It hadn’t mattered so much that we had already lost two of our seishi...   
  
“Soi!” said Nakago, seeing me.   
  
“Nakago, please get on Your horse, quickly!” I cried, riding between him and Tamahome.   
  
“Shit!” said Tamahome to himself in amazement. “I had that kind of power?” He thought for a moment. “That’s right. Miaka...”   
  
I ignored him. He wasn’t important. After Nakago got on His horse, we rode off, our horses pelting into the blackness.   
  
“Are You all right?” I asked. “After treating Your wound, please lie with me again. That’ll increase Your power.”   
  
He grunted to acquiesce, but there were more important things for Him to think about. “Tamahome...” He muttered. “I’ll pay you back with interest.”   
  
Evidently, Seiryuu no miko and the others had traveled very quickly, so we didn’t catch up with them until sundown of the next day.   
  
They had set up the tents in a completely stupid place—nowhere near any shade—so they were probably frying alive. Honestly! Miboshi may have things that are more intellectual on his mind, but I would at least expect Tomo to have some common sense. Well, actually, never mind. I wouldn’t expect Tomo to have common sense.   
  
When we arrived in camp, Seiryuu no miko had draped herself in her tent, sweating profusely, fanning herself with anything she could find. Tomo had opened up both sides of his tent, letting the air blow through. Miboshi and Suboshi were nowhere to be found.   
  
There were two other tents set up—sloppily, so I assume it was Suboshi’s work—and I directed the horses toward the larger one. Sure enough, Nakago’s things were arranged in it. So Tomo _had_ done _something_.   
  
Nakago had been even more taciturn than usual. As a rule, He at least wants to talk about His Plans, or about how someone else annoys Him. Then it’s my job to sympathize. But He hadn’t said much at all. His shoulder must have been really hurting. It certainly _looked_ awful. I had done what I could, but healing is just something I learned—it’s not my seishi power or anything.   
  
Seiryuu no miko had wandered out of her tent when she saw us arrive. She opened her mouth, to start whining, no doubt, but I wouldn’t have any of it.   
  
“Go get the others,” I ordered her, not bothering with deferential language. Nakago was seriously hurt, and I didn’t feel like pretending to respect her. She looked shocked and angry, but I gave her a look, and she ran off.   
  
Evidently, the only one who would do what she said was Suboshi—big surprise there—so when she returned, he was the only one on her heels. Seiryuu no miko started fussing over Nakago, getting in my way and making me _really_ angry. She was commanding the attention of the man I loved, she was torturing Suboshi, and she was preventing me from doing my _job_.   
  
Suboshi looked repulsed by the wound.   
  
“I did some emergency treatment for it on the way here,” I said, “but He’s still badly hurt.”   
  
“Then let’s rest here for a while!” said Seiryuu no miko quickly.   
  
“We mustn’t do that,” Nakago disagreed. “We must get to Sairou quickly.”   
  
“No!” said Yui-sama. All of our heads turned swiftly to look at her. “Not while you’re this badly hurt!” she continued. “That’s an order!”   
  
I looked at her in amazement. That might have been the first time she actually _did something_ as miko. It just goes to show, everybody’s complicated.   
  
“As you wish,” said Nakago.   
  
Suboshi was making gagging noises. “It’s practically melted!” he said with admiring disgust. “Who could have done that?” I shot him an _I’ll tell you later_ look.   
  
As much as Seiryuu no miko annoys me, I was grateful for the few days’ rest. Nakago really did need some time to just sit and not do anything.   
  
Soon after Suboshi and Yui-sama left, Tomo arrived, looking pleased with himself. He looked shocked at Nakago’s wound. I think that Tomo thought that Nakago was invincible.   
  
“What’s the matter, Nakago?” asked Tomo, panicking. “It’s not very often you get injured.”   
  
“Tomo?” Nakago looked up.   
  
They immediately started talking strategy.   
  
“Everything is going according to plan,” began Tomo. “Now that Suzaku no miko is no longer a virgin, all we need is to get our hands on Sairou’s Shinzaho.”   
  
No longer a virgin? So _that_ was the plan. Why wasn’t _I_ in on it?   
  
Oh gods, that’s _horrible_. I wish... I wish that actions like that weren’t necessary.   
  
“Suzaku no miko is still a virgin,” said Nakago nonchalantly.   
  
“Yes, still a virgin,” repeated Tomo. He did a double take. “What did you say?”   
  
“I didn’t have sex with Suzaku no miko,” said Nakago resignedly. “A red light emanated from her body. It served as a barrier and I couldn’t lay a hand on her. The power that lay within the girl shut me out completely.”   
  
He sounded too tired to be angry.   
  
Tomo would never be disrespectful, but I could tell that he was pissed. “Considering who you are,” he protested, “you must’ve been able to defeat the powers of such a little girl!”   
  
“She may not look like much, but she’s still a miko,” argued Nakago. “Besides, I wasn’t in the mood to screw someone unconscious.”   
  
I felt a warm pride. See? He _is_ a good person, after all. Deep inside, there’s a line that He won’t cross.   
  
But Tomo obviously felt differently. “What are you saying?” he cried. “It was such a great opportunity!”   
  
“That girl believes she was raped like Yui-sama,” argued Nakago. “That’s as good as our objective being achieved.”   
  
“I understand,” said Tomo with a pretentious air. He was obviously displeased, but he knew better than to keep arguing. “Leave Suzaku no miko to me. But before that, I have to torture Tamahome!”   
  
He was very angry about Nakago’s injuries. I felt somehow that I should be, too, but I wasn’t. I can’t be angry at people any more. We’re _all_ bad. And that doesn’t make me angry. It makes me sad.   
  
“I’ll borrow Soi’s powers to do so,” continued Tomo, sending a glance my way. I looked back at him. I didn’t mind working with him. At least he was a competent ally. And I guess we don’t actually dislike each other, even though we bicker a lot. Well, _I_ don’t dislike _him_. Who knows what he’s thinking? We get along pretty well when it counts.   
  
...If all of us could cooperate, we would have probably been able to get either Shinzaho with very little trouble.   
  
I just wanted to get this whole thing over with—dispose of the Suzaku seishi, get the Shinzaho, summon Seiryuu, and go home.   
  
“Do as you please,” said Nakago to Tomo with an aggrieved tone. “Although they may be injured and crippled, those little birds keep coming back at us. Send them to their graves quickly.” He likes using extended metaphors. He’s so smart!   
  
It didn’t take us long to get ready. I did a quick check to make sure that Suboshi was okay, but he was fawning over Yui-sama, who had been shooed out of Nakago’s tent.   
  
I followed Tomo away from the camp to the top of a cliff that overlooked a great expanse of desert. Away in the distance, there was a small group of people, moving about in seemingly random patterns. Tomo looked pleased with himself, so I could tell that I was supposed to notice the people.   
  
“What’s that?” I asked.   
  
“Suzaku’s seishi, thanks to my clam, are seeing an illusion of Sairou,” he explained smugly. “Extreme heat during the day, and nipping cold weather at night—they will eventually dehydrate and die.”   
  
“And what do you want _me_ to do?” I asked unenthusiastically. It looked like he pretty much had the situation under control.   
  
“Soi,” said Tomo, “You have command over the sexual power control technique, right?” It was a rhetorical question. “Through sexual intercourse,” he continued, “you can do whatever you please with a man’s power.”   
  
He continued, “Nakago suffered his injury by Tamahome’s hand, right?”   
  
I nodded, apprehensive about where this was going.   
  
“He has definitely become much stronger,” observed my companion. “We’ll have you weaken his powers through sexual intercourse.”   
  
I didn’t say anything.   
  
Nobody had asked me to do something like that since I had come to the palace.   
  
I tried not to look distressed.   
  
If I get out of control, it will be bad, I thought. If I get out of control, it will be dangerous. I won’t think about it, I won’t think about it, I _won’t_ —Emotions are unacceptable. Just look at what happened to Suboshi. This is why I don’t let myself have strong emotions any more. Because if I get out of control, bad things will happen.   
  
I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples.   
  
Tomo waited until I opened them again before taking my chin in one of his hands and forcing me to make eye contact with him.   
  
“Soi...” he said. I frowned.   
  
“Soi!” he said sharply.   
  
I looked at him.   
  
“I _know_ what I’m asking you to do,” he said with a hard, quiet voice. “I know exactly how unpleasant and distasteful and ugly it is. I’d do it myself if I could. But _you_ have to do it. You’re good at it, and it’s _your job_.”   
  
He was right, and he knew that I knew that he was right.   
  
“Just remember why we’re doing this,” he said, letting me go.   
  
And I did. It was all in a neat little chain. If we kill the Suzaku seishi, we can get the Shinzaho. If we get the Shinzaho, we can summon Seiryuu. If we summon Seiryuu, Nakago can have whatever He wishes. And Nakago’s wish will undoubtedly be best for Kutou.   
  
I bowed my head. Then Tomo transformed me into the shape of Suzaku no miko. I only took a moment to look at my new body. I was jealous. Suzaku no miko’s body is much cuter and more inspirational than mine ever has been.   
  
I carefully applied beeswax to my lips. Then, being carefully not to touch my skin, I dabbed a liquid aphrodisiac over the beeswax. I was glad I had thought to bring it with me. I hadn’t needed to use it for years, but at one time, I was quite familiar with it. It works _very_ well.   
  
The other seishi were inexorably bound up in Tomo’s spell, so Tomo and I could concentrate on dispatching Tamahome. We found him wandering alone in an empty city, followed by a little cat. He was talking to the cat. It was kind of cute.   
  
When Tamahome saw me, his eyes lit up. That _hurt_. Suzaku no miko is very fortunate.   
  
“Miaka!” he cried.   
  
“Tamahome!” I responded. It seemed appropriate.   
  
“Miaka!” He embraced me. “You’re all right! I was looking for you! Don’t ever make me go through that again.”   
  
That hurt, too.   
  
We snuggled for a moment. Through the power haze created by Tomo’s illusion, I suddenly felt energy flare—Amiboshi’s ki? No, it must have been Suboshi’s. He was probably just mad and throwing a fit again. The energy was pretty strong, though... He must be really upset, I thought.   
  
I ignored it. This was no time to be playing mother to Suboshi.   
  
Tamahome kissed me.   
  
It took a moment, but then a strange look passed over his face.   
  
“What’s the matter?” I asked with false concern. Miaka would have been concerned.   
  
“Well,” he answered with a frown, “all of a sudden, I feel like I’m burning up inside... It’s weird.”   
  
“You’re probably exhausted from the heat,” I said. “Let’s get some rest somewhere.”   
  
I tugged at his hand, leading him to a broken-down windmill. It was a little cooler inside, especially since the sun was starting to go down. In a few hours, it would be very cold in the desert. There was nothing here to hold in the heat.   
  
Sand had drifted all over the stone floor. I picked my way across. I didn’t want sand in my shoes, even though I knew I’d be taking them off soon.   
  
There was a sort of raised stone dais in a dark corner. I led him there.   
  
He told me that he loved her.   
  
Well, he said that he loved _me_. But he didn’t really know what he was talking about, so it doesn’t count.   
  
“I love you, too...” I said. I felt horrible. I wanted to cry. But of course I did not.   
  
He wasn’t that great at kissing, but his thoughtfulness was new to me. He was eager, but very gentle. I wished... I really wished that _I_ had had somebody so tender for my first lover. Then memories flashed at me and I had to swallow them back down—hard—and _not think about them_.   
  
I had him undressed in a matter of minutes.   
  
I felt sick, I really did. It was awful. But I’m a good actress—at least, I _think_ I am—and I pretended, just the same as I always did before. I want to be with you... I want you... I love you... All the lies that had become less and less sharply painful and settled down into a dull ache... They came back at me and stabbed me in the face. _I was going to hurt him_. And then I thought about Amiboshi and Suboshi, and what I would do to any girl who did to them what I was doing to Tamahome. And I thought about Tomo, and I thought about me as a little girl, and I thought about what I wanted to do to the people who hurt us. And I thought about all the people I had ever known, and all of the sadness was shining out through my eyes.   
  
And then I thought about Him, and I kept pretending.   
  
There is so much sadness in the world, and I can’t do anything to stop it. Why should I fight against it? I may as well just let it flow through me. It’s going to use me as its instrument whether I want it to or not, and it’ll hurt less if I just acquiesce...   
  
I didn’t let Tamahome see what I was thinking. He was going to get hurt, and I was hurting to hurt him, but some things must be done regardless of whom they hurt.   
  
At the last moment, when he stopped me, I panicked.   
  
“Tamahome, what’s wrong?” I asked, a little afraid. I hope it’s not my fault, I thought. If this is my fault, and I’ve screwed up again... I’m going to be in so much trouble. And Nakago will be upset, and...   
  
“No, we can’t do this yet,” said Tamahome thickly, not very well able to articulate his thoughts.   
  
“Why?” I suspiciously asked.   
  
“You haven’t summoned Suzaku yet,” he answered, shaking his head to clear it.   
  
What?   
  
What?   
  
_What?_ That didn’t make any sense. He couldn’t be _that_ naive.   
  
“But, I was...” I stuttered, “by Nakago... I lost the ability to summon Suzaku!”   
  
“No, I won’t believe that,” he answered with confidence. “I... I don’t know how to put this, but no matter what happens, we shouldn’t just give up. If we do, then everything will have been for nothing. If there’s even the slightest chance, we have to believe in that, Miaka.”   
  
I stared at him, dumbfounded. Why didn’t the drug work? I still don’t understand. I’ve never met a man who, if given the slightest excuse, would put aside his own desire so easily. He held that much hope? He must really love her.   
  
“Sorry about that.” Tamahome grinned awkwardly. Then he stood up. “All right, let’s go!”   
  
I sat up and stared at him idiotically.   
  
Suddenly, Tomo appeared in the doorway. “Soi, I can see that you’ve failed,” he said grandly.   
  
But Tomo failed, too. Tamahome got away. Tomo gave chase, but I remained, slowly dressing myself.   
  
It was night already. I knew the way back to camp, but I wasn’t in a hurry to get back. Tomo and I were both going to be in a lot of trouble. I thought of Ashitare. I never, never wanted to do anything that would deserve that kind of punishment. But now I had! I was afraid to go back, and I was afraid not to go back.   
  
The world around me was ablaze with ki. Tamahome was fighting Tomo. I could sense the other Suzaku seishi, out in the desert somewhere. Nakago and Seiryuu no miko were in our camp. Miboshi was a long way away, running an errand for Nakago. Suboshi was... coming closer? What an idiot. Suzaku no miko was _very_ near... probably in the village over the next swell.   
  
The village was blazing, too. Flames lapped around the edges of all of the buildings. There was the low murmur of people running and shouting off in the distance. What an awful night—things didn’t seem to be going right for _anybody_.   
  
And then there was an explosion of ki that startled me so much that I stopped walking and swung ‘round to stare at the flickering shadows that made up the village. There was DEATH in that ki.   
  
How the hell was Suboshi in two places at once?   
  
Oh.   
  
Well, of course. That makes sense.   
  
Lucky Amiboshi—he got away. I was glad for him. For a moment.   
  
Then I realized how much trouble we were _all_ going to be in. I don’t think I could take it if Nakago threatened Amiboshi or Suboshi. I would have to... I would have to let myself be punished instead. Because, after all, the twins are _my_ responsibility. And anything they do wrong is _my_ failure. Maybe... Maybe I can make Nakago see that point, and He won’t discipline them.   
  
So now there were six strands of Suzaku ki and six of Seiryuu ki whipping around the world and entwining in my own.   
  
It was a painful descent to the road.   
  
I walked a few steps toward the village, wondering... No, Amiboshi was _not_ hurt. But he had come closer... he had passed me and was headed toward Tomo and Tamahome. Maybe he was going to help Tomo? That wouldn’t be a very fair fight for Tamahome...   
  
I was surprised when Suzaku no miko practically walked into my face. She had been running _away_ from the fight.   
  
“Soi!” she exclaimed fearfully.   
  
“Where do you think you’re going, Suzaku no miko?” I asked ironically. “The Tamahome you love isn’t in the direction you’re going.”   
  
I expected her to answer that she was running to find her other seishi to bring him help. It was inconceivable to me that she would not try to help the man who loved her so much.   
  
After all, look what _I_ have done for the one I love.   
  
“I’m no longer with Tamahome,” said Suzaku no miko, looking as though she were going to burst into tears.   
  
“You’ve broken up?” I didn’t believe it. “It didn’t seem like it, at least not to Tamahome.”   
  
I found that I didn’t know how to speak to her, except with teasing and taunting.   
  
“You actually saw Tamahome?” asked Miaka with an expression that was... something. Hopeful? Concerned? Terrified?   
  
I found that I didn’t hate her. I... envied her. Even more than I had from the beginning. I... I wanted... _to protect her_. Because if there were one young girl that could be saved from all of the hate and the humiliation and the pain that exist in the world... If there were one young girl who was pure and hopeful, one girl who wasn’t ruined, who didn’t despair, who didn’t lie awake every night in terror of the nightmares, who didn’t scrape at her skin in frustration... If there were one girl who never discovered the brutality of Love...   
  
If a girl like that existed, then the little girl whom I had been could sleep at night.   
  
I had to protect that.   
  
“For an enemy, he’s such an admirable man,” I said. I smiled sadly. “He said... that he’ll believe in even the most remote possibility...”   
  
Miaka looked up at me.   
  
“Why are you telling me such things?” she asked suspiciously. “Why aren’t you trying to kill me?”   
  
“Well... I myself wonder why...” I said slowly. Humorlessly, I added, “If you had actually slept with Nakago, I wouldn’t have hesitated to kill you.”   
  
It sounded like an accidental slip of the tongue, as though I had been speaking without thinking out the implications. But I knew—trust me, I _knew_ —what exactly such a statement would mean to her.   
  
“What?” whispered Miaka. “That means...! Then, I’m still...”   
  
She looked at me in confusion.   
  
“Tamahome’s near the cliff over there, but he’s going to die for sure.” I indicated the direction with a flick of my hand. “I wouldn’t go there if I were you.”   
  
I tried not to let the bitterness seep into my voice, but it was impossible to keep it out. She had better take my advice and go find her other seishi first.   
  
“Tamahome is...?” Miaka’s whole face brightened.   
  
“If you go,” I said meaningfully, “You won’t get off so easily next time.”   
  
But she was already scampering away. “Tamahome!” she called. “Tamahome!” What an idiot, I thought to myself. Jumping into danger just for Tamahome’s sake. But... I wonder what it feels like when two people love each other at the same time.   
  
I was right. I did get in trouble.   
  
He didn’t have to tell me how much trouble I was in. I just knew.   
  
But He was so preoccupied that He didn’t have time to think up anything _very_ humiliating for me. I was grateful, but then I felt guilty. I truly did feel sorry for Him, being so stressed. And... I _hadn’t_ been a very good seishi, all told.   
  
I slunk back into camp and went directly to my tent, figuring it was best to wait until I was sent for.   
  
It hurt a _lot_ when Tomo died. The pain from Ashitare was nothing compared to this. I saw stars. I couldn’t stand up for fifteen minutes. All of the ki was laced with pain—Amiboshi had somehow gotten seriously hurt, Suboshi was crazy-angry... How on earth had Tamahome managed to defeat all three of them?   
  
Then Amiboshi’s ki went away again.   
  
Suboshi came back late. I waited up for him. His clothes were torn and covered in blood. His facial features were twisted up in a grimace that frightened me a little. I pulled him into his tent and got to work fixing him up.   
  
“What happened?” I said in a low voice as I helped wash the blood off his face.   
  
He shrugged. “Tomo hurt my brother, I killed Tomo, I forced my brother to drink bohkyaku, I took him back to the village,” he said very quickly under his breath. “Suzaku no miko and Tamahome got away. But I’ll get them next time.”   
  
Bohkyaku? That explained a lot.   
  
I didn’t know what to say to him. What could I possibly say? Suboshi was in no mood for comfort, anyway.   
  
“Why was Amiboshi fighting Tomo?” I asked, curious.   
  
“He was helping Suzaku no miko, and he said... Um, he said... He told me that he wanted to stop fighting and just live peacefully. But I heard him say to Tomo that he... _That he wished he were born a Suzaku seishi._ ”   
  
Big, fat tears burst out of Suboshi’s eyes, but he snarled and choked on them, not wanting to cry. I grabbed him and squeezed him tightly in my arms. He stood, shaking with rage, and let me hold him, until he turned and wrapped his arms around my waist.   
  
“I’ll never see him again,” he whispered suddenly into my shoulder.   
  
“You did the right thing back there,” I answered quietly. Thanks to Suboshi, at least one of us would be free of this mess.   
  
He looked up at me with round, wet eyes. “Don’t tell Yui-sama what I did,” he begged.   
  
“I won’t,” I promised. “But you’d better go to bed now. We’re both going to be in trouble tomorrow.”   
  
He nodded.   
  
I returned to my tent and cried for hours. I’m sure it wasn’t a hard choice for Suboshi—whether to help Tomo or his own brother, I mean—but Tomo’s death frightened and upset me. What would we do without him? He was the only one who understood me.   
  
On the other hand, Tomo could take care of himself, and Amiboshi was practically a child. I probably would have taken Amiboshi’s side, too.   
  
How on earth did Suboshi become so immune to death? When exactly did he stop being a little boy and start being a whirlwind of bitterness? I hadn’t done my job correctly... I should have seen it coming and stopped it. I should have... I don’t know what I should have done! What, what _exactly_ , did I do wrong?   
  
I wasn’t allowed to see Suboshi after that. Well, it wasn’t explicitly stated, but everything was arranged so that we were never together.   
  
All in all, however, I was surprised at how calmly Nakago seemed to take the defeat. I was sure He was unhappy to lose Tomo. On the other hand, it became quite clear how little He cared about Amiboshi. He didn’t say one thing or another about the situation, even though Suboshi quaked whenever anything like the subject was broached. He didn’t punish Suboshi for getting rid of Amiboshi, and He didn’t punish Suboshi for killing Tomo.   
  
But I was shunned. Nobody spoke to me. Well, except for Miboshi. He made cruel comments to my face, but Nakago ignored them, so he got worse and worse. Nakago ignored everything about me. It was the most terrible time of my life.   
  
I didn’t sleep or eat very much. I didn’t say very much, either. I felt hollow and frightened all the time.   
  
It seemed like ages later—although it was only a few days—when we reached the city of Sairou. Traveling was awful. I hadn’t realized how much Tomo had affected the group dynamics. Nakago was pensive and quiet. Miboshi was smug and quiet. Seiryuu no miko was morose and quiet. I was terrified and quiet.   
  
Suboshi was hyper. Everyone snapped at him, and Nakago boxed his ears. Then Suboshi was sullen and quiet.   
  
There was a Plan, but I wasn’t privy to it, and I didn’t bother asking. I didn’t want to feel the pain of having my question ignored. Miboshi left somewhere in a hurry, and I sort of half-heartedly followed everyone else into the building. It was a temple. I could sense the spiritual energy that permeated the area. There was evil here, but I was not afraid of it.   
  
Nakago showed me a room where I could wait. There was a window, and I sat and looked out. In the garden, there was a dying bush, like the one outside Suboshi’s window in Kutou. This time, though, it didn’t make me feel better to see something else that was hurting as much as I was.   
  
I was all broken. There was no hope. And I didn’t want to see anybody else hurt. What happened to my dream—the one where there exists a little girl who doesn’t get hurt—what happened to it?   
  
It’s not true. Everybody gets hurt. Everybody goes through years of suffering and humiliation. And then everybody dies.   
  
I felt when Miboshi returned. He brought with him somebody whose ki I didn’t recognize. It was seishi ki, but not from Seiryuu nor Suzaku. It must have been Byakko.   
  
Suzaku no miko was nearby, too.   
  
Why, oh why, didn’t she _stay away_? I feel so powerless. I can’t protect _anybody_... I would have been a terrible mother.   
  
That thought made me very, very sad. Because to be a mother has been my dream since I can remember. What I wanted for my life was a family to take care of. And it hurt very much to think that I wasn’t suited for the thing that I wanted most in all the world.   
  
Seiryuu no miko seemed unreasonably nervous. I heard her whispering to Nakago behind a screen.   
  
“ _Suboshi_ killed Tomo?” she said, shocked.   
  
So much for keeping that a secret.   
  
“Yes,” said Nakago. “He went out on his own to meet his brother, and Suzaku no miko and the others arrived here without a scratch.”   
  
Nakago spat out the words in disgust. Well, it wasn’t that dramatic—He isn’t very expressive of His emotions. But He _does_ have them, and I know Him better than anyone in the world, and I could tell that He was angry. But if He was so angry, why hadn’t He even reprimanded Suboshi? Perhaps He was waiting.   
  
I hate waiting. It’s better when He punishes us at once, instead of dragging it out, making us tread nervously for weeks at a time. But I suppose that the torture of waiting _is_ the punishment. And we screw up a lot. So there’s nothing to complain about, I guess.   
  
“What’s the matter, Yui-sama?” asked Nakago in a voice that I could tell was meant to sound concerned.   
  
“I’m scared,” she whimpered. “It’s as though some unseen force keeps moving around some unknown place, and I seem to be losing everything, one by one.”   
  
That may have been the most astute thing I’d ever heard her say. It changed my opinion of her. She was still a bitch, but I would no longer be able to think of her as stupid. She’s very intelligent.   
  
“Yui-sama, you’ll always have me around,” said Nakago. His voice was flat. I could tell He wasn’t sincere, but I doubt that Yui-sama could. “There’s absolutely nothing you should be afraid of.”   
  
“Really?” asked Yui-sama hopefully.   
  
“Of course,” answered Nakago with the same flat voice. “Because I love you.”   
  
He kissed her.   
  
And I died.   
  
He’s never kissed me. I’ve kissed Him. But He’s never kissed me. Even if His kiss with Yui-sama wasn’t sincere, it was still affection. I would love to receive feigned affection from Him.   
  
He will never give it to me. I think it’s because...   
  
I think it’s because He respects me too much. He respects me too much to lie to me, so He won’t pretend to love me. He doesn’t love me, but He respects me. I should be satisfied with that. I should be proud that He thinks of me as an ally, instead of as a puppet.   
  
But I’m not! I’m not satisfied! I would _be_ His puppet—I would do _anything_ —if He would only _love_ me!   
  
Miboshi was there to see all of it. “With Seiryuu no miko as competition, you aren’t even a rival in love, right, Soi?” he cackled. Scores of demonic minions stood behind him and echoed his laughter in their lifeless eyes. I wanted to smack his floating, pudgy, baby face, but I didn’t.   
  
That’s not my job.   
  
My immediate job was to help Yui-sama deal with the prisoner, Byakko seishi Tatara. He was chained to the wall, and he looked pretty beat up. But I was frustrated. I took it out on him.   
  
“Why don’t you just face it?” I yelled. “We’ve shown you Genbu’s Shinzaho. You’re supposed to give Byakko no miko’s Shinzaho to whomever presents it, right? Give it up if you don’t want to be put through another beating.”   
  
“If you kill me, you’ll never get the Shinzaho,” said Tatara gently. Turning to Yui-sama, he said, “You’re Seiryuu no miko. You weren’t the one who acquired it first. Someone else did. I can tell.”   
  
Seiryuu no miko was as frustrated as I was. “Hurry up and give me the Shinzaho!” she snapped. “Then, I’ll be able to summon Seiryuu! I’ll be able to go back to my world! And... I can get back at Miaka, who betrayed me!”   
  
This was not, perhaps, a very effective way of convincing Tatara. He didn’t seem like the type to understand justifiable vengeance. But we were frustrated.   
  
As per the Plan, I left before Suzaku no miko arrived. The little idiot had gotten caught. I saw the glint in Seiryuu no miko’s eyes, so I knew that nothing good could be happening. I am glad that I missed seeing it.   
  
I was given a position to hold. The Suzaku seishi would soon notice Miaka’s absence, and it was my job to prevent them from getting past me to the summoning ceremony.   
  
It wasn’t a hard job, at least not the waiting part. I went through the poses of t’ai chi, concentrating on increasing the flow of ki in my body. Then I sat on the stone floor and waited, opening myself up to the energy.   
  
I could pinpoint everyone in the building. So I knew when Seiryuu no miko returned to Nakago, presumably triumphant. She and Suboshi were alone for a while in the baths—a stroke of luck that Suboshi deserves, poor guy—while Nakago was talking with Miboshi.   
  
Suzaku no miko and Tatara escaped. I thought about telling someone, but then I realized that it didn’t matter. _We had the Shinzaho_. Soon it would all be over. I hoped.   
  
I also felt the approach of the other Suzaku seishi. There were only five of them, but with them were two more with the same type of signature as Tatara. More Byakko seishi, evidently.   
  
Nakago went to the roof, and Miboshi went to confront the Suzaku. He killed Tatara. There must have been a huge battle. I could feel the temple shake as pillars were torn out from under the floors they supported. The enemy lost one more seishi—it was the weakest one, probably the child—but we lost Miboshi in the same instant. Again... _pain_.   
  
It was imperative that I not lose control. So I didn’t. I kept one eye open through the throbbing and managed to keep aware of everyone’s movements. Luckily, I had recovered by the time the Suzaku and Byakko seishi neared me. I stood in ready stance, with a ball of lightning crackling in my fist. I would not let them stop this ceremony. Even if I had to die. Because Nakago’s wish was important.   
  
I could tell they didn’t know where they were going. They ran straight into me. The sorcerer looked me up and down, evaluating whether or not he could take me in a fight.   
  
“I’m not letting you get to Yui-sama _that_ easily,” I sneered.   
  
“Soi!” cried Miaka. She looked surprised that I was opposing her.   
  
“Personally,” I said to her, “I don’t hate you.” I wanted her to know the truth.   
  
“This is all for HIS sake!” I continued. “If it’s for Nakago, I would even sell my soul to the Devil!”   
  
Miaka didn’t look angry. She looked sad.   
  
“Sensei!” Tamahome appealed to a man I’d never seen before—obviously a Byakko seishi, but much too young... But then, Tatara had seemed young, too. Well, I didn’t have time to think about it. The man looked like a formidable fighter. The other Byakko seishi—a young woman standing at his elbow—had the unmistakable ki of a sorcerer.   
  
“I’ll take over here!” said the strange man. “You guys go on!” He and the young woman came at me from two sides, looking at me with menacing expressions.   
  
“Let’s go!” yelled Tamahome. I was occupied with the Byakko seishi, so the Suzaku ran past me.   
  
“Wait!” I yelled. I made to run after them. But I was fairly sure I had held them long enough.   
  
“Hold it!” said the young woman. “You’re not going anywhere!”   
  
Finally! An assignment that I could handle. I could do this. I fought defensively, leading the Byakko seishi so far into the temple that they’d never be able to find their way out of the maze of broken-down hallways. And when I was sure they were too far away from the ceremony to get back there, I transported myself outside to wait by the horses.   
  
From the ground, I watched as Seiryuu-seikun came from the sky. It was beautiful.   
  
Nakago needed me, after all. And I got my job done. For Him. 


	5. Chapter 5

Time passed oddly after the summoning. I had expected everything to happen quickly afterward, but it didn’t.   
  
Seiryuu no miko’s first wish was to seal Suzaku away. Everybody was pleased—Nakago, Suboshi, Yui-sama, and especially His Majesty the Emperor.   
  
The palace was lonely. The emptiness in our wing frightened me somewhat. I was glad that my bed was on the wall next to Suboshi’s room, instead of the wall by the empty room that used to belong to Miboshi. I didn’t want to let down my guard to sleep near that big, ugly void.   
  
Seiryuu no miko was ill. I was confused at first, because her ki seemed especially strong. Then I realized that since she had merged with Seiryuu-seikun, it was probably the god’s energy I was sensing.   
  
I was lonely. I didn’t see much of Seiryuu no miko. I remembered how, a long time ago, I had wished that she would be my friend—and I remembered realizing how utterly inadequate she was to reach outside herself to touch anybody. She was very weak now, and very quiet—too tired even to snap at people or complain. The servants liked her better this way, I think.   
  
I saw Nakago quite often. There was nobody else for Him to consult—no Tomo, no Miboshi—and He was very occupied with planning a full-scale attack on Konan. After the summoning ceremony, He was elated, and after He came down from that, I guess He was just too excited about His Plans being realized to be angry with me. He can be so forgiving... I love Him.   
  
But He spent more time with Yui-sama than He did with me.   
  
I saw Suboshi sometimes, but not as often as I had used to. I guess everyone had decided that he no longer needed constant supervision. The changes in him were not so obvious as the changes in me or in Seiryuu no miko. They were there, but they hovered in dark little corners of his personality, coming out unexpectedly to dampen the sunshiny cheerfulness that he always kept up around Miko-sama.   
  
We went back to training every day, but neither of us was very enthusiastic about it. Often, we’d give up on practical exercises and sit in the shade, “discussing theory and strategy”, but really just talking about nothing. We didn’t talk about the past, and we didn’t talk about anybody who was dead.   
  
One afternoon, he came to me in the garden with more excitement than I’d seen from anybody in what seemed like ages. He wanted to show me something, he said. He made a dramatic show of opening his hands reverently, as if he were holding the greatest treasure the world had ever known.   
  
“Suboshi...” I raised an eyebrow. “Why do you have Miko-sama’s ribbon? You didn’t take it from her room, did you? Because if you did—”   
  
“She gave it to me!” he protested. “Yesterday evening! Of course I wouldn’t steal from Yui-sama. Isn’t it beautiful?”   
  
He looked dreamy. “She _wears_ this,” he said with awe.   
  
“Suboshi...” I sighed, wondering if there was any significance for me in this monumental event. “Did she say anything when she gave it to you?”   
  
“Not really,” he said. Which meant that he didn’t want to tell me.   
  
I smirked. “So, did you sleep with it under your pillow?”   
  
“Of course!” he grinned at me proudly. Sometimes I think that maybe he _will_ grow up to be a decent human being.   
  
During a seemingly indeterminate length of time, Yui-sama gradually regained some of her strength. She still hadn’t fully recovered when Nakago decided that we all needed to go to the battlefield. Since the Suzaku seishi had been reduced to ordinary people—at least, that’s what we figured would happen—the three of us were now the most powerful human beings in the world.   
  
Suboshi thought this was exciting. I was... less enthused. Being powerful wouldn’t make me any more competent. So far, I had failed in every task given to me. Well, except the last one, which I technically failed by letting the Suzaku get past me but kind of did not fail because I held them off for long enough to prevent them from stopping the ceremony. Anyway, it seems to me that I’ve been no help at all.   
  
We will win the battle easily. Kutou’s armies greatly outnumber Konan’s, and our strategists are excellent. (Especially Nakago. Did I mention how intelligent He is?) And if our theory is correct, they won’t have Suzaku’s power to help them. They have five seishi left, but one is the Emperor, so he won’t be very mobile. Tamahome and the redheaded one are great fighters, but they are definitely no match for some of our martial artists. Especially if they have to fight several at once. The sorcerer can’t do anything without his powers. The only other one is, I think, a doctor. I don’t think he fights.   
  
So, with Nakago’s ki blasts, my lightning, and Suboshi’s telekinesis—if the idiot actually remembers in the heat of the moment that he can use it on things other than the _ryuuseisui_ —we should be more than fine.   
  
The camp is very busy and very loud. We are used to sleeping in tents, but this time we have servants along. It is very nice not to have to cook for everyone. But there aren’t too many servants—I mean, nobody pesters me about how I apply my cosmetics. And Nakago has been concerned about his energy levels lately, so we have been spending a lot of time together. I have been enjoying this, I think.   
  
Well, that was before the battle started.   
  
Nakago has been too busy to be bothered with the outside world, so it has been my job to run errands for Him and handle problems that people bring to Him. I have been doing well, I think—though I’m not sure because He hasn’t said one way or the other if He likes how I’ve been handling it—anyway, I’m kind of proud of myself.   
  
I came to Him this morning when everything was ready.   
  
“Nakago, it’s time,” I said, entering his tent. “It’s time to take the battlefield.”   
  
Then I saw the strangest, most awe-inspiring thing I have ever seen. It was so different from anything that I have ever experienced. It was like a window into another universe.   
  
“What in the world is _that_?” I asked. Then I saw what was in Nakago’s hand. “That’s Tomo’s clam, Shin.”   
  
“That’s right,” said Nakago. His voice sounded pleased, the way it always does when He parcels out information.   
  
“When I went to inspect his corpse,” Nakago continued, “this clam was left behind, unshattered. I opened it to pass the time, but to think it would show me something this interesting...”   
  
“Yui-sama’s world?” I breathed.   
  
“Perhaps.”   
  
His voice held no emotion. But I knew He wouldn’t be doing this right before a battle unless it meant _something_ to Him. What was it? Why didn’t He trust me?   
  
“Why won’t you remove your armor for me?” I blurted out, surprising myself.   
  
Nakago affected amusement. “What’s this, all of a sudden?” He grinned a little. “I’ve removed my armor for you many times.”   
  
I knew that He understood me perfectly and had tried to put me off by feigning incomprehension. But I wouldn’t let Him. I would press just a bit farther... I know Him, and I knew I could press Him just a little bit more before He got angry.   
  
“Yes, we’ve made love many times,” I said bravely. “But only to heighten your powers. But to reach your heart... your feelings...”   
  
My voice trailed away. He didn’t look at me. How much farther could I go before He would cut me off?   
  
“Do you remember...?” I pressed. “When we first met, seven years ago?”   
  
Still He said nothing.   
  
“Ever since then, you have been the only person for me!”   
  
That was it.   
  
“There is only one person that can satisfy me,” He said, looking at me with a dangerous sharpness. “You are not her.”   
  
He meant that it’s not love that He wants. What He wants is the power that He’ll get from Yui-sama’s wish.   
  
I’m not stupid. I know what He values.   
  
The battle is noisy, and it smells ugly.   
  
I’m worried. I’m not sure why Nakago thought it necessary to bring Seiryuu no miko along. The chance of her getting hurt is remote, but it’s still possible. And it’s even more likely that Suboshi will get injured, with the stupid way he’s panicking, trying to be on all sides of her at once.   
  
The battles are gathering below me at the bottom of the cliffs, and the storm clouds are gathering above me.   
  
“Awesome!” laughs Suboshi gleefully. “At this rate, Konan doesn’t stand a chance.”   
  
It’s obvious who will win.   
  
“They’re here,” says Nakago darkly. He means the Suzaku seishi. And is that Suzaku no miko? Maybe she _wants_ to die. That would certainly explain a lot.   
  
“Miaka!” Yui-sama glowers, seeing Suzaku no miko standing near Tamahome. I have no idea why our miko is so obsessed with this man. I mean, he seems like a decent, boring individual, but not nearly as interesting as Nakago, who is supposed to be Yui-sama’s beloved, and... I don’t think even Yui-sama knows what she really wants.   
  
“Shall we test it, Yui-sama?” asks Nakago, just managing to disguise the hunger that is seeping into His voice. “Let’s see if Seiryuu granted our first wish.”   
  
I send lightning. The Suzaku seishi dodge it, using the same holy sword for protection. It’s disconcerting to see them, so far below us, scampering around on the ground. Tamahome is trying to protect Suzaku no miko. She’s getting in his way.   
  
“This is great!” cries Suboshi excitedly. “We’re just _testing_ Suzaku’s seishi, and look at them!”   
  
He still acts like a kid sometimes. I’m worried. If something happens to me, who will take care of him?   
  
“Their characters aren’t appearing, either,” I muse. “When Suzaku was sealed, apparently they became ordinary humans.”   
  
Tamahome hands the sword to Miaka and tells her something that we can’t hear, indicating with a gesture that she should leave. Miaka seems to refuse. Yui-sama is watching this scene with growing fury, and she says, “Nakago, I’m sorry. Let me grant your wish later.”   
  
“Yui-sama,” He begins, but she interrupts Him.   
  
“Kai-Jin!” she says commandingly. Blue light fills the air around us. I’m trying to keep one eye on the battle and one eye on Suboshi, but this blue scene is distracting.   
  
“Yui-sama, what are you—” Nakago begins. I turn my head back to the battle just in time to see the flame-bearing one hurl the holy sword right at my lord.   
  
“Nakago, look out!” I scream, throwing myself in front of Him.   
  
“Shit!” I hear the redhead yell in frustration.   
  
Sudden pain... More even than when Tomo died... But Nakago is okay. I’m confused.   
  
Oh. It’s me.   
  
“Soi!” Nakago says in surprise, and... maybe?... fear. But that would be... too much to hope for. I’m... not thinking... clearly... and I... remember the day I first saw Him and I...   
  
Pain...   
  
But I have to finish what I was trying to say earlier today... I have to finish...   
  
Pain!   
  
This is my job. I force myself to keep going.   
  
“Ever since that day,” I gasp, “I... wanted to see you...” It’s hard to breathe. I feel like I’m drowning, but there’s no water. Blood?   
  
Pain! Pain!   
  
This is my job. I force myself to keep going.   
  
Pain, again, pain...   
  
“This is... my final service to you,” I manage to get out, choking. “I... love you... I...”   
_  
Step Back Seven Stars! _ White Crane Spreads Wings. 


End file.
